@StaceyShortcake: My phone autocorrects 'sex' into 'pez' in case you were wondering just how dead my pez life is.
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@iwearaonesie: "you yelled 'this is not my daddy!' when i picked you up to leave the store. you're lucky i let you live" -how dad signs my birthday cards
@RocketRankoon: [5 minutes after being trapped in an elevator] Finally, an excuse to drink my own urine
@XplodingUnicorn: [scale says I've gained 5 pounds] Me: It's probably just what I'm wearing. Wife: You're naked. Me: Wife: Me: It's a heavy deodorant.