@StaceyShortcake: My phone autocorrects 'sex' into 'pez' in case you were wondering just how dead my pez life is.
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@UniqueDude2: WAITER: Your honor, when I said "enjoy your meal" he said "you too" ME: it was a mistake JUDGE: he gets half your meal W: thanks J: you too
@PMTheron1: There was a praying mantis in my room so I stealthily grabbed a shoe and smashed my 2nd-story window and jumped out.
@DanMentos: *gets home from game* "whoa what happened to your eye" I was on the Kiss Cam "oh she wasn't into it?" with the t-shirt cannon guy's daughter