My phone autocorrects ‘sex’ into ‘pez’ in case you were wondering just how dead my pez life is.
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Why do I always zone out when the server reads back my order? They could be saying “lobster dinners for everyone in the restaurant” and I’d say yeah.
Today I caught my grandpa urinating with the door open. Which is no big deal, but it’s annoying when I’m trying to drive.
[sex]
GF: u bring protection?
ME: ya [i show a gun]
GF: not what I meant
ME: I kno, I have a fox guarding us. The gun is for if it wigs out
Me: It’s not often that a single guy like me gets a home cooked meal.
Her: Why don’t you get married?
Me: I’ve never been that hungry.
Being the firstborn, I was the science experiment
Sometimes I open my dog’s giant food bag with a knife so she is impressed with my kibble hunting skills.
#YouHadOneJob #SuperBowlXLIX
(Guy who has only seen Les Miserables and Aladdin watching a third movie) When does he steal the bread?
Just remember, you’re my “plus one,” and not my “hostage.”
Don’t ask questions you don’t want the answers to like asking your toddler what’s in his pocket
Rather than waste money on charity for the homeless, let’s invest in splicing their genes with snails so they always have their own shelter.
you don’t scare me. you’re not a can of biscuits i’m about to open.
Your resume just says “falconer”
“And?”
Well, this is a bank
*falcon starts break-dancing*
“Not yet Tyler, wait until he offers us the job”
[speed dating]
HER: I’m a real planner. I like people who plan ahead.
ME: *trying to impress her* I’m already wearing a condom
[After 20 min at your house]
I used all your toilet paper
“Check in the cabine-”
All of it
“We have more in the gar-”
All of it all of it
Nothing freaks me out like that girl w/the purple bra yelling “Hey those are MY panties!” Finders keepers lady.
pharmacist: are you getting a booster?
me: high chair please.
My phone refuses to recognize that Transatlanticism is a word. Do you know how hard it is to get through that word without predictive text. And I talk about Transatlanticism a LOT
I’m getting my eyebrows waxed into “permanently surprised” position so it looks like I’m paying attention.
i hate when my iPhone corrects “omw” to “On my way!” bro i am not that excited
Boss: You’re fired
Me: No YOU’RE fired
Boss: No
Me: Yeah
Boss: *starts sweating*
Give me Players for $500 Alex
“When you lose the game because you don’t have any moves”
What is checkmate?
“Wrong! What is your sex life”
Subway Guy: Enjoy your sandwich
Me: You too!
Subway Guy:
Me:
Me: *gives him my sandwich* this is yours now
Cop: GET DOWN ON THE GROUND
Me: I didn’t do…
Cop:*cuffing me* Dispatch, we have a creepy clown in custody
Me: These are my regular clothes
Wife: He’s always lying about his celebrity connections..
Therapist: Is this true?
Me: Just wait til Sonic The Hedgehog hears this bullshit.
i know parents looking like their kids is obvious but the way reese witherspoon hit ctrl c + ctrl v on her daughter is mad
I’m not saying I’m a conspiracy theorist, but I swear some of these typos have been planted.
Me: *about to go into a meeting*
My anxiety: you pronounce “template” weird
i bet when fish see it’s raining they’re like “oh cool a refill”