@rockingtheshow: My phone battery dies faster than a black guy in a horror movie.
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@joshgondelman: If I have a son, he's going to be named Alvin Simon Theodore, and it'll be funny as hell whenever anyone gets mad and yells his full name.
@donni: Outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend. Inside of a dog, though, it's every man for himself
@WheelTod: Not saying dogs are better than kids in every aspect; but good luck finding a kid willing to lick up his own vomit.
@xLiserx: BF: Come over. Let's do sex. Me: I'm tired. BF: I have tacos. Me: It's late. Brendan Fraser: I won't make you watch my movies. Me: On my way