My phone battery dies faster than a black guy in a horror movie.
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Vegetarians and vegans
are admirable ……but cannibals are the real humanitarians.
A thousand curses upon anyone who has ever gone, “Why are you sitting in the dark?” and then flipped the light on without asking.
to those of you shopping this week: please be polite and patient with shop assistants, it’s a stressful and busy time for them too 🙂
to those of you worshiping Satan this week: see you at the gathering in the woods, bring teeth 🙂
[creation]
GOD: You are all special in my eyes
KANGAROO: I don’t feel that special
GOD: Look in your pocket
KANGAROO: Holy sh-
*goes to pond*
*duck hands me $100*
“Give me the hard stuff.”
*hands over bag of croutons*
One time I had to Google “What is a Snooki?” ngl I was disappointed it wasn’t a new Muppet
If cartoons are a reliable guide, the secret to never ageing is wearing the same clothes every day.
Me: I never use essential oils
Car mechanic: that’s why it’s on fire
College is like a Dora the Explorer episode; your professor asks a question, stares at you and then answers their own question.
I took 3 advanced geometry classes at Penn State and still pick the wrong size lid for my coffee cup 70% of the time.
*texts* I need you, babe. Come over now.
[20 minutes later]
Oh hi! *holds out jar* Can you open this?
*chugging beers at 11am*
Waitress: looks like somebody is having a fun St Patrick’s Day!
Me: That’s today?
I think lawyers would be a lot cooler if you could just hire them to help you plan your heist.
Lawyer: If you get caught it’s only 6 mo. Instead of 20 yrs. If you do it this way.
Me: What about the repelling from the ceiling part?
Lawyer: Keep that, it’s badass!
Me: These five words I swear to you, when you breathe I want-
Him: Stop singing to the mustard
Me: *stands up and closes fridge* Whatever.
Baby, it takes two to tango
But only one to tequila.
Son: *carrying damaged produce*
Me: Drop that sick beet!
[Dinosaur Rap Battle]
We’re gonna win this for sure!
“Wait, what kind of dinosaurs are we again?”
WE’RE RAPTORS! Jesus Christ Owen
Me: *Holding a door and hiding behind it*
Murderer: *walks through the door*
Me *passive aggressive*: YOU’RE WELCOME
Pasta aisle is cleaned out because that’s all most people know how to cook.
I’ve broken all my New Year’s Resolutions so now I’m moving on to laws of nature.
Birds & Planes.
Not only was my brother not mad when I backed into his Porsche, he even invited me camping and said to bring a shovel. Whew!
nobody:
90’s boybands:
(-(-_(-_-)_-)-)
My lotion bottle says to use it on areas of irritation, so I slathered it all over my coworker, Deborah.
Mmmm. Shoeshi
Under the age of one, babies primarily drink milk, but may supplement their diet with all the crumbs they find on the floor even though you swear you just vacuumed.
[over megaphone]
“Police! We have you astounded!”
“Jim, it’s ‘surrounded’.”
“No, I know but look at his face.”
me: going to see phil this afternoon
wife: isn’t phil in that cult?
me: yeah so
wife: just be careful
me: have a little faith me in ok
*comes home dressed in all purple*
me [sneezes]: excuse me.
guy at the bus stop: [starts crying] my ex used me too, man.