My phone battery dies faster than a black guy in a horror movie.
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[2.13am]
me: when cows die do they become cow ghosts? imagine being haunted by a cow ghost.
him: *deletes my number*
Well, I’ve put it off long enough. I guess I should check on those wraith-like noises coming from the attic. I’ll be right back.
I get a new phone every year just so my friends don’t think I’m lying when I tell them I’ve lost their number
Avoidance is expensive
If my daughter hasn’t figured out how to forge my signature in her homework folder by now, that’s her own problem.
To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.
The three genders.
I take issue with furniture that deliberately moves 1 inch when you’re in a rush to get by.
Boss: Stop copy and pasting responses from previous emails
Me: sounds good
Sent from my iPhone
Sent from my iPhone
Do you smoke after sex?
Person looks down…”I don’t know, I never checked.”
Early morning sibling drama: 4 is upset with 6 because he told 4 everyone in the family featured in his fun dream except her because his dream “was limited to those aged 6+.”
How many games did you play already?😅
#chessmeme
Crazy how they’re still wasting money on sleep research, when we all already know that the necessary sleep time is five minutes more.
God: Build an ark
Noah: For?
God: Animals and shit I dunno[earlier]
Devil: Bet you can’t trick someone into building an ark
God: Game on.
I really wish they had told me this before I got to the morgue
Imagine if songbirds sang real songs and you got to hear WHOOMP THERE IT IS every morning
I try not to be loud in the office restroom stall unless my boss is in the restroom, because then I want to prove I’m not just goofing off.
[to the person sitting next to me at the movie theatre] you here for the movie?
Quarantine has given me some free time so I made an exit survey for people who left me on read on dating sites
Me: I’ll have a small drink.
Fast food worker: We don’t have a small. We only have large and medium.
Me: *grabs him by collar* THE SMALLEST SIZE CANNOT BE MEDIUM! THAT LITERALLY MEANS MIDDLE!
My husband says I’m not heavy enough to make an impact when I stand on him to massage him so I now have the perfect excuse to eat all the cake
The term minivan implies the existence of a more spacious yet less practical mega van
If you aren’t tying damsels in distress to railroad tracks while laughing maniacally, your curly moustache is going to waste
What psycho decided it was a good idea for kids to hunt for chocolate easter eggs right when the spring thaw reveals all the dog poop?
-I can’t stand liars and fakes
-You are so pretty
-See? Why can’t everyone be honest like you
“Excuse me, do you validate parking?”
I sure do, champ. *kisses your forehead* Your parking is second to none.
Imma get shredded!
Goes to the cheese aisle.
Stop legislating morality, instead of serving size just TELL us what the whole party size bag of Tostitos calorie count would be FFS
The Lost & Found Desk at the casino was no help whatsoever in locating my $762.
My current situation