I don’t use extra virgin olive oil cause I want my food to have some experience
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just watched a documentary about a guy who pushed himself 3,100 miles across the united states in a wheelchair because my remote is on the other end of the couch
Cop: was it you who stole all the anti-perspirant
Me: *not sweating*
Cop: well shit I don’t know how to read this
*throws dash of glitter in with the credit card bill* payback, baby
I can understand why chickens wake up and scream
[at the store]
Me: Your powers are weak, old man
Wife: …
Me: The force is strong with this one
Wife: …
Me: Together we can rule the galaxy
Wife: …
Me: Luuuuuuuke, I am your father
Wife: Can you just pick out a damn fan already?
Shaking hands is so weird:
“Nice to meet you, have some germs and dead skin cells.”
Me: it’s just a few spoonfuls of ice cream, why are you freaking out?
Him: that’s a ladle
I walked into our bedroom and stepped on my wife’s bra
It was a boobie trap
🚫No Riding A Motorcycle While Being Haunted By The Memory Of A Deceased Pet
DATE: My ex was spineless & I don’t think I could date anyone like that again
ME, AN OCTOPUS: what
Neighbor: Your dog barks a lot.
Me: Isn’t your kid the one that plays her recorder outside every summer?
N: So?
M: So, I can’t help you.
when space aliens arrive and ask us to take them to our leader we should take them to the zoo and show them a flamingo
Being a woman has its benefits and unique skills, like being able to fix whatever’s wrong with the car by turning the radio up real loud.
Instead of getting annoyed, that stranger should have thanked me for tweezing his unruly ear hair.
*pronounces bondage like corsage.
due to inflation you can now eat food that has been on the floor for up to 7.3 seconds
The general rule is that you shouldn’t ride an elevator during a fire, but I mean, talk about a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity
[pet therapy]
THERAPIST: ok slow
ME: *pets 2 dogs*
T: just 1
M: *pets 3 dogs*
T: Nurse, restrain him, he’s
M: *pets 4 dogs*
T: roverdosing
Do you like them? I made them from scratch. Do you want one? – me introducing my kids to strangers.
nothing worse than an american ‘alcoholic’ who enters rehab because they drink in a month what a normal british person would on a two hour train journey.
┏┓
┃┃╱╲ in
┃╱╱╲╲ this
╱╱╭╮╲╲house
▔▏┗┛▕▔ we
╱▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔╲
wash our hands
╱╱┏┳┓╭╮┏┳┓ ╲╲
▔▏┗┻┛┃┃┗┻┛▕▔
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth…
Then it’s a soap opera!
GUY: I wish girls liked comics.
GIRL: I love comics.
GUY: Oh really? Then what’s the Hulk’s favorite flavor ice cream?
Email from my mom: What’s my email address?
This anagram machine is out of order.
lmfao
Contrary to popular belief, when I call tech support, I don’t know what the Indian dude is saying either.
Sometimes I think about Adam and Eve and how they couldn’t even get a babysitter.
If you find me on my death bed, please wake me up and move me over to the life couch. Throw the death bed away, I don’t know why I keep it.
Cop said that it’s illegal for me to have flashing lights & siren on my car.
I looked at his car and said are you going to arrest yourself?