@RowdyBerger: My phone can hold 5000 songs or 1 voicemail from my mom
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@hiitsgabrielle: Unless you fell off the treadmill and smacked your face, no one wants to hear about your workout.
@truegritrumble: ME: I'm gonna plug my Twitter handle. WIFE: Please don't. ME: I'm gonna do it *walks to the microphone in front of the funeral*
@1par8head: Someone is selling a rot iron table on Craigslist ..wonder If they would trade for a dictionary
@AhmedAllabidy: Don't go to a fight with a gun or a knife, Bubblewrap yourself, People won't fight when there's bubblewrap