girlfriend: promise you won’t do anything weird
me: ok
[later at the funeral]
me: [to the tune of my sharona] m-m-m-my condolence
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We’ve designed you a new phone 007.
It’s exactly the same as your old phone but you’ll need to buy a new charger.
At my funeral I want the picture of me next to the coffin to have eyeholes cut out with someone behind it glaring at people coming in.
[at a racetrack]
DATE: Which horse are you betting on?
ME: I don’t have a horse in this race
DATE: That’s fair
ANNOUNCER: [over speakers] Wow, folks, it looks like a large raccoon has just rolled onto the track
[having helped prep some pistachios while my wife spends two hours putting together the rest of the meal] How about those nuts, huh? You can really taste the deshelling
I’m only looking for friends that could survive a hippopotamus attack.
I’m sick and tired of people not appreciating the magic that is baking soda. Have a stain? Baking soda. Have a pimple? Baking soda. Making cookies? Baking soda. Accidentally caused a small kitchen fire making cookies? BAKING SODA!
A friend wants me to be friends with her friend. I now have one less friend.
Random Company: “Why would you like to work for our company?”
Me: “Well sir/madam, I’ve grown very fond of eating and having a roof over my head and I don’t want to lose that.”
Remember mad cow disease?
Good times.
Reckon the first person to make popcorn by accident probably ran away for a while.
Get off my lawn, Pokemon Go edition
Sometimes my body is a temple, sometimes it’s a rundown railroad shack with a clanging crossing sign that reads FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, EAT A VEGETABLE
Don’t forget to sacrifice your own personal goals to live up to someone else’s expectations today!
*finally finds comfiest position in bed*
bladder: so you’re not going to believe this
My smart friend just told a story about Scott and Zelda Fitzgerald and I nodded the whole time, thinking to myself “Yes, I recognize both of those names.”
before meds: *hates everything*
after meds: *feels good about hating everything*
My relationship advice?
Play Chess instead.
It’s less complicated.
“Doc, my boyfriend & I don’t wanna get pregnant. He hates condoms & I think the jelly isn’t working.”
“What kind are you using?”
“Grape”
I write fake chores on my to-do list just to scribble them out, then my husband thinks I do more.
I had to have stupid emergency laser eye surgery today and I never thought my eyes would be the first to betray me but they’ve seen some shit at this point so I guess it makes sense.
Like a mouse stuck in a mouse trap because its desire for cheese was too great, I too am stuck in a mouse trap
There should be a guy with a leaf blower to dry my hands in the washroom at Home Depot.
Hot singles in your area!
They don’t want to talk to you. But they’re there.
80% of being Donald Trump is just worrying that the wind will blow your weird combover in the wrong direction.
Flight attendant: You’re sitting by the emergency door. Will you be able to open it if necessary?
Me, having just put lotion on my hands: *sweats profusely*
wife: can you check something on my phone for me
me: sure what’s your passcode
w: our anniversary
m:
w: ANNIVERSARY
m: [sweating profusely]
[after losing a rap battle]
me: I didn’t realize how much rhymed with jorts
Why does everyone have to hold their NYE party on the same bloody night?
ME: i can’t wait for the game of thrones series finale!
FRIEND: oh i didn’t know you watched game of thrones
ME: i don’t