My phone case doesn’t expose the logo on the back. So it could be anything. I could be speaking on two mirrors with foam in the middle.
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Wearing my lesbian boots today. Well, they’re faux lesbian. I don’t believe in using lesbians for leather, even if they’re farm-raised.
When someone giving me directions says, “You can’t miss it,” I would love to tell them just how wrong they were if I could find my way back to them.
October begins the tradition of removing the expired salad from the crisper drawer and renaming it the Reese’s drawer.
What idiot called it chicken broth when you’re sick and not pharmasoupicals?
If men had periods our commercials would be awesome…
That’s no pocket rocket.
If we just refer to ISIS as “Nickelback” maybe nobody will want to join them
craved ice cream, so I had Greek yogurt with blueberries instead
still craving ice cream except now I’m angry, too
[marriage counseling]
We just don’t see eye to eye
“Because you insist on wearing that stupid pirate hat”
YOU WILL ADDRESS ME AS CAPTAIN
They say sex is the best for of exercise.
Correct me if I’m wrong but I don’t think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 3 months is gonna do much for your beer belly.
Oh, you’re Happy? Name the other 6 Dwarves
Let me get this straight: Rumpelstiltskin gives you a ton of gold, saves your life, AND takes your first born off your hands and he’s a bad guy?
Does anyone else start driving like there’s 4 dismembered bodies in the trunk when a cop is behind you?
i hate when my iPhone corrects “omw” to “On my way!” bro i am not that excited
If you pronounce “shoes” like “toes”, you end up saying “shows”, but if you pronounce “toes” like “shoes” you end up saying “twos”.
And other thoughts about the English language that keep me up at night
“I” before “e” except after “Old MacDonald had a farm”
Our family motto is “Who took my phone charger?”
Got my ponytail stuck in the paper shredder again.
*cancels haircut appt*
Every morning I announce that Im going for a jog, but then I don’t go…
it’s a running joke…
3 drinks in and that skateboard outside is looking rideable.
I bought 4 bottles of wine and I seriously underestimated the severity of this quarantine.
The longer you’re married, the more foreplay it takes to get her excited. I’m up to a week and a half now 🤨
I have a five year plan to become more spontaneous.
Cop: do you know why I pulled u over?
Me: yeah, I was going like 120 back there
Cop:….
Me:..
Cop: sir, your tailamp is out
Me:…
I don’t trust any company that has a commercial with happy employees in it.
I know this is the kind of thing everyone avoids talking about, but I’m going to say it.
I think I’m smarter than most, if not all, babies.
Just printed out 50 copies of today’s weather forecast to carry around with me today because I’m just not in the mood for small talk.
Me: I played this as a kid. It’s from back when video games made sense
6-year-old: Why did you jump on a turtle?
Me: Because I’m a plumber
Cop: license and registration
Me: that won’t be necessary officer
*places a glazed donut in his pocket