Me: Why were my tests so expensive?
Hospital: All of our equipment is state-of-the-art.
Me: Why did it take so long to send the results to my doctor?
Hospital: Our fax machine was down.
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Which herbal tea goes best with heroin?
My kids teach me something every day. Today my 1-year-old taught me how much plumbers cost per hour. Who flushes a potato?
I like to send homemade gifts to people.
Which one of my kids do you want?
Learning to cook watching the Food Network. Today I made a puréed nut spread with a grape reduction on brioche bread…
me: [to woman next to me] blow on it for luck
craps dealer: no soup at the table
[hanging up the phone] sorry that was my sensei. he said he’s turned evil and I’m probably the only student with the potential to stop him. So I have to go home now
Eventually, everyone will be quarantined to their houses with no sports to watch… and in 9 months from now a boom of babies will be born… and we will call them the coronials. #Coronials #Youhearditherefirst
My birth certificate is far and away my most impressive swimming certificate.
horses don’t know when they’re acting in a period drama. they just woke up one day and all their friends showed up in stupid outfits.
My 3 year old cried all day yesterday because he lost his brand new Spiderman sunglasses. Searched the whole house to no avail. I just asked if he remembered where he put them & he casually said, “Yes, at the bottom of the laundry basket in my room.” My bad for not asking sooner.
My husband before the holidays: I don’t need anything
My husband right after the holidays: I’ve always wanted this thing, and also I really really want this, and I’d love to have this other thing
Sam: Welcome to Multiple Personality Club.
Sam: No one else is here.
Sam: You’re here.
Sam: I’M YOU, STUPID!
Sam: OK EVERYONE CALM DOWN!
I have tendinitis so bad the doctor told me it was twentydinitis.
Examine the shadows around my eyes. They speak of loss, of longing, of doom.
Also, I buy mascara at the dollar store.
“This restaurant is so good I came twice,” she says.
“When was the other time you ate here?” he asks.
“Oh, no, this is my first time here.”
Person 1: You should do Yoga.
Person 2: Why would I ever do that little green guy from Star Wars? He’s not sexy at all.
Person 3: She means the picnic basket stealing bear, idiot.
Kinda thick horizontal curvy line, two thinner curvy vertical lines, squiggly line, different thicker squiggly line
-Japanese spelling bee
turtleneck: oooh cozy
mock turtleneck: oOoH cOzY
Lady, you misunderstood. When I asked if you would have my kids I didn’t mean sex and babies. I meant take the ones I already have.
[a parallel universe where cows are the dominant species]
COW 1: Shall we drink stuff that comes out of humans?
COW 2: No
Almost fell down the stairs. Will try again tomorrow.
My toddler gets pretty impatient with me for someone who takes 45 minutes to eat an egg.
At my funeral the priest will throw my corpse into the crowd and whoever catches it will be the next to die
[bedtime]
me: babe we forgot to lock the door
him: not it
murderer under the bed: not it
me: fine I’ve got it
Establish dominance on Halloween by eating your neighbor’s jack-o-lanterns.
Son: [cracks knuckles]
Me: Oh yeah? [stands up and knees and back make bubble wrap noises for 20 seconds]
Make your own bacon by tricking a pig into running headlong through a harp.
If she’s your girlfriend why is she leaning over the side of the boat to touch me in a way she will never touch you?
You know that song “Happy” by Pharrell? That’s how annoying I am.
I had an unsettling dream. Someone came into my house and placed my Precious Moments figurines in compromising positions.