my phone, crying: ..pleaSe… I have no space…. delete some photos… I’m begGing you….
me: *hits download*
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Your Honor, my client would like you to stop being so mean, even though we both know she deserves it.
Watching all these killer whales attacking boats is giving me an orcasm. I’m sorry.
*pulls away from kissing, stares intently into his eyes
Your eyes are like pools of melted chocolate
Him: U started your diet, didn’t u
[at oceanside seafood restaurant]
Me: Is the fish fresh here?
Waiter: Yes
*from the kitchen, a fish blows me a kiss & waves seductively*
Probably the worst sound to hear is a crying baby because best case scenario there’s a baby in distress near you but if there isn’t then you’re about to face horrors beyond compare.
[Bee Gees voice]
you can tell by the way I use my walk,
that I stepped in shit,
while in the park
plot twist: satan sold his soul to me
Cashing in my goldfish today.
Wish me luck!
Wife: can you give the kids a talk on drugs?
Me: ok but I talk a lot of shit when I’m high
I don’t care what anyone says, I still think Malaria is a beautiful name for a little girl
My neighbor bought a fancy ride-on mower for a quarter-acre backyard. That’s like buying a motorcycle you only ride to the mailbox.
dog: i want to go to up to the stars with you
astronaut: space is a vacuum
dog: i’ll see you when you get back
[Catwoman’s Lair]
Robin: I hear someone.
Batman: Lets’s hide in this sandpit.
{5 min later}
R: This is a litter box isn’t it?
B: I think so.
Men, do you ever wonder what women have in their purses?
Simple really: Wallet, keys, lip balm, tiny hand grenades, sunglasses, tissues, a pet unicorn, souls of our enemies, Advil, tampons and sometimes brass knuckles.
You’re welcome
Happy weekend !
If I got arrested I’d ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.
and the Oscar for best actor goes to me for sitting at my desk and pretending to work
Friend from college: Hey! You remember that time…
Me: No
They really need to stop hyping up these storms because I bought a lot of doritos and the power didn’t even go out.
Son: Dad, can we have the talk on how babies are made?
Me: Haha no way! I do not want to know!
My little girl will never have daddy issues.
But her future boyfriends will.
BOSS: I have some tough news
INVISIBLE MAN: Go on
BOSS: HR says we need to hire more “Visible” minorities
INVISIBLE MAN: This is bullshit
Boss: did I hear you call me a twat?
Me: recently?
I’d like to think this guy started out with a scribble pad by the telephone and then took a REALLY long phone call.
My daughter had two Barbies arguing and now one of them is getting a haircut, so I think we all know who won that argument.
Nature Valley granola bar: 42 grams
Crumbs left after eating it: 43 grams
If your kids are big enough to get on a ride without help, I will fight them for the last carousel horse.
“OMG why am I so sore?”
*Flashback to me doing five push-ups yesterday*
“Oh right.”
cats have two bladders: a normal one and an emergency one only for use right after you change their litter box
Never let kids google names of Pokémon characters unsupervised, Squirtle in particular