My phone died at the gym and I had to do the elliptical with zero entertainment like the pioneers did in the olden days.
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I just found $11 in my pocket and then mentally spent about $187 of it.
I hate flexing on twitter but I just finessed a crockpot and a ouija board from my neighbor’s garage sale for only $10 if anyone wants to come over and summon evil spirits while I slow cook vegetable stew for us
You do the load of laundry that you have, not the load of laundry that you want.
Me: happy valentines day
Neil Degrasse Tyson: *slaps heart-shaped box out of my hands* an actual heart is shaped nothing like that
6: What are you making? It smells terrible!
Me: *literally just boiling water*
*Job Position: Astrologer*
Interviewer: Tell me about myself
Slowly he climbs into
my bed. Our eyes meet,
I can feel his desire.His need for me and only me.
• The cat wants to be fed.
[4 strangers are smearing their bodily fluids on each other]
[one turns to camera] “There has to be a better way.”
VOICEOVER: “Hot tubs.”
I put up Diwali lights, and can’t wait to flex on other dads by telling them I’m all set for Christmas
When my wife falls asleep in a public place, I shake her a little and yell, “DON’T YOU DIE ON ME!” People always clap when she wakes up.
Sex is fine, but have you ever completed every single thing on your to-do list?
Fireman: Is anyone else inside the house?
Me: Uh yes..my son is trapped in my room he- [fireman charges into blaze] ..HE LOOKS LIKE AN XBOX
If a girl says she loves you, do you tell her thank you or run away screaming? Asking for a dad.
Seriously, asking for a dad. I need a dad.
I’m sorry my dog nipped your ankles, but in all fairness you do have squirrels on your socks.
If you accidentally use Pam cooking spray instead of Off…
It still works, because the mosquitoes just slide off your legs.
[at a restaurant]
SERVER: We have several sides you can choose from.
ME: I’m not comfortable picking sides.
Im at the swamp does anyone need anything
(confronts Beck in line at Jamba Juice, holds up hurried sketch of Beyonce, aggressively does “Single Ladies” dance)
I feel like it’s customary to lose a meatball out of your sub when you’re wearing your favorite shirt.
Aquaman has to wait a half hour after eating before going on land.
I hate it when I forget to bring my phone in the car and have to read a shampoo bottle while I drive.
dutch is not a serious language
Marine biologists are just like regular biologists, only they have to do 20 push-ups after every experiment.
its prettey gutsy that u call urself a salad, potato salad
If a gorilla stole my girlfriend and started throwing barrels at a construction site, the last guy I’m gonna call for help is a plumber.
Me: big date tonight. Any advice?
Pal: just be yourself! Pay her a compliment, ask her a question, talk about your interests…[Later]
Me: Hello. I like your teeth. What’s the capital of Venezuela? I enjoy food
Job Posting: local pond looking to hire tadpole, must have previous experience as frog
Shout out to countless marine organisms who died, accreted on the seafloor, and compacted for eons so I could drive my Escalade to Kmart.
Sorry, package of toilet paper. I’m only making one trip from the car with these grocery bags, so you’re sleeping in the car tonight.