My phone died, so I was forced to “print” a physical copy of my boarding pass, just like The Wright Brothers used to in the olden days
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Do I believe in angels?
I don’t know.Do I believe in cheese?
I can see cheese.
Cheese has helped me out in difficult times.
Yeah.
[job interview]
Him: Do you use drugs or alcohol?
Me: No.
Him: What’s your salary requirement?
Me: To be able to afford drugs & alcohol.
I pry open the crab shell but instead of sweet crabmeat I find a tiny, bustling city filled with people who have my face. It tastes terrible
Seekh Kebab
Not attention
the sandworm from dune has arrived on the red carpet
Me: The cat left us a dead bird again
Her: He thinks he’s giving us a present
Me: No, the arrogant SOB thinks we’re too feeble to hunt for ourselves *jumps five feet straight up and snatches a squirrel off a branch*
I want my tombstone to read:
Don’t feel too bad, he really liked sleeping
I’m fine with the orcas as long as they don’t move into my neighbourhood
Hospitals make mistakes with newborns, so before bringing yours home, check by rubbing its belly. If it curls in and bites you, that’s a cat
Counting Crows in the 90s: “They took all the trees and put ’em in a tree museum and they charged the people a dollar and a half to see them.”
Me in 2023: “Wow that’s a good price.”
Cashier holds up a bottle of herbal spray for hot flashes “you sure you want this it’s twelve dollars” YES I WANT IT AND I DON’T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT
HER: where were u last nite
ME: *turns on airplane mode*
HER: did u just say *turns on airplane mode*???
If I die in my sleep, my only request is that you fold me up in my futon and sell it on Craigslist
Sorry I’m late, I was watching ghost adventures and they heard a noise.
So we asked papa johns to write a joke on our pizza
Her: Stop being so territorial.
Me: *peeing a circle around her* I have no idea what you mean.
“I saw mommy kissing santa claus” has the same number of syllables as “I saw someone die at Disney World.” Life’s funny like that.
*shaking head* I can’t tell which news stories are real or are April Fool’s Day pranks. I mean, you could say “Aliens have landed & have demanded to talk to the whales” & I’d just think “So 2022.”
A small toddler is the closest thing you can have to a Pokémon. It follows you around, you love it dearly, no one else can understand what it’s saying, and it is obedient only when it wants to be. The main difference is that training it to fight other toddlers is frowned upon
When I was a kid I was so afraid of being kidnapped until my mom assured me there was no way in Hell anyone would ever want to take me.
My entire life can be summed up by those anxious and awkward breaths; the ones where you wonder if the hiccups are really gone or not.
File under excellent bookstore names.
Please enjoy this video of a baby eating queso for the first time
So apparently a neighborhood watch is not watching bad stuff happen to your neighbor’s home & then taking a nap
I almost got ran over by joggers. I saved myself by pretending to be a stop light. I got away while they jogged in place.
Dear dogs, thank you for sleeping at night.
Dear cats, what the hell is your problem?
[police lineup]
COP: number three step forward and say the phrase on your card
ME: who says you can’t pull your chair right up to the buffet?
WITNESS: omg yes that’s him, officer
what is your skin care routine? mine is mac n cheese
What jugglers do best
1. Juggle
2. Make people who can’t juggle feel bad for not being able to juggle
“How do you speak with an American accent?”
“Well, imagine vowels killed your parents, and you’re out for revenge.”