Inventor of numbers: No, see they never end. You can always add 1 to the previous number
People: What the
Inventor of the alphabet: I told you guys you should’ve let me handle it.
You Might Also Like
[ 4 dentists coming out of the woods ]
me: hey weren’t there five of you
them: (in agreement) no
Used to tell my kids that I had underwear older than them but now that the kids are 21 and 24, I’ve stopped. Also, to be fair, they’re not much more than waistbands now.
*needs a hug
*taps car brakes a little too hard so the seatbelt locks upNice.
Won “Typo of the Moth” again at work.
Him: You can’t give the cat treats right after he tripped me on the stairs. He’ll think it’s a reward.
Me: It is.
Angel: Welcome to Heaven
Me: But… this is a Costco…
A: Yes. And here is a map with the exact locations listed for every item you need
M: *falls to my knees, sobbing with emotion and gratitude*
“I saw a flock of cows today”
“Flock of cows?”
“Yes a flock of cows”
“Herd of cows?”
“Of course I’ve heard of cows, I saw a flock of them!”
friend: you have to stop envying every single person you know when they find success in something you haven’t. it’s destroying your mental health and poisoning your relationships with your friends.
me: (immediately envious of their maturity and clarity of thought) right. totally
How dude HOW?!
*narrows my eyes at you suspiciously*
*keeps narrowing them*
*closes them entirely*
[naps]
“Ewww what is wrong with your mouth?”
Me thru coated lips:
I read that peanut butter is good for chapped lips. What? You think I should have used creamy?
ㅤ THE CORONAVIRUS
PROS: CONS:
-Alone time – Might die
-Cool facemasks
-Can horde toilet
paper without
seeming weird
-Might die
Until I had kids I wasn’t aware that Hakuna Matata could be sung in such a threatening manner
me: what do u mean my friend cant come in
bouncer: theres no way hes 21
me: but-
stuart little: dude its fine lets just go
Highly Misleading Pictures That Will Make You Need To Look Twice At To Understand
*goes to wedding*
*gives the couple 2 coupons for a free Big Mac as their wedding gift*
*walks away feeling really good about this decision*
You learn something new everyday. Yesterday I learned eating 29 SlimJims gives me diarrhea. Today I learned eating 28 also gives me diarrhea
married sext…
him: I’ll be home soon
her: don’t you threaten me
me: make me the coolest guy
genie: ok all guys are now hotter than u
me: son of a
Beer enthusiasts should have an OnlyCans.
Every time you get a haircut, you’re essentially returning your last haircut and exchanging it for the exact same thing
Used to be able to touch my toes. Now I just have a sip of beverage and wave at them.
Donald Trump is like the “Scream” movies in that he blurs the line between comedy and horror.
“I was in so many vaginas in college my buddies called me Danpon. Anywho, tell me all your hopes and dreams.” – Me on first date/last date
DATE: So it says on your profile that you’re a contractor.
ME: I’m.
HER: Check please!
My six year old just hissed at me. I’m either doing this parenting thing right, or horribly, horribly wrong.
Top Seven Bacon for Breaking:
7. Bacon point
6. Bacon even
5. Bacon Benjamin
4. Bacon my heart
3. Bacon Bad
2. Bacon the law
1. Bacon wind
Just because I choose not to drink doesn’t automatically make me no fun. That is a separate choice, which I’ve also made.