@jamespianka: My phone dies, freeing me from my prison. I look up at the world. Deer live in my house.
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@lisaxy424: Hot chick without makeup: her beauty is so effortless & carefree Me without makeup: why is that very sick grandma not in a home
@david8hughes: [interrogation] "Where were you on the night of the 5th?" "Dealing drugs." "Louder for the tape?" [leans in] "Healing pugs. I'm a pug vet."
@Angibangie: 6 yo: Can I have your water Mommy? - No, that's vodka. Don't touch it. And don't try to dilute it with water when you're 16 I invented that
@daemonic3: [on phone] ME: Babe what's the wifi password? HER: We broke up. I told you last night ME: We broke up, got it. Any upper case or spaces?