@jamespianka: My phone dies, freeing me from my prison. I look up at the world. Deer live in my house.
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@ScreaminMomX2: Parenting tip: If your toddler is being quiet then they are probably doin somethin like tryin to flush the cat down the toilet.
@valerie_tosi: The Chipotle I went to apologized for not having any lettuce today. I said "It's cute that you think I'm here for that."
@Jmboyd58: When I die I want to be cremated and my ashes spread all over my bedroom...so my wife can clean up after me one more time.