My phone dies, freeing me from my prison. I look up at the world. Deer live in my house.
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DO NOT show up to my place unannounced, I will literally stare at you from the window until nightfall, I don’t give a shit.
me: i recently lost my job
date: oh no what happened
me: the office relocated and i can’t find it
Tried going out through the back of my wardrobe today but even Narnia’s closed.
Wish I could cry like movie people with one graceful tear tracking down my face instead of looking like a tomato that fell on the floor.
When someone compliments me on here, my gut reaction is to say, “YEAH OKAY AND WHAT IF I’M A CATFISH?!”
…I am not a catfish.
Why am I like this?
a broth-er is the best relative to help you make soup
I can’t wait till I have kids so I can drive slowly past McDonalds and tell them there’s food at home when they ask for some..
Just explained the Higgs boson to my friend even tho I don’t understand it. He was very convinced. I bet this is how religions get started.
IDEAL UBER DRIVER:
-Clean car
-Doesn’t talk to me during drive
-Plays good music
-When he drops me off tells me he’s my father who left when I was 4 & has secretly followed my life and has always been proud of me
me, after any kind of buffet.
[Disney Pitch Meeting]
Writer: So kids love puppies
Exec: Haha true
Writer: This movie is about skinning alive 101 of them
Exec: First off, it’s perfect
I caught my insane ex going through my garbage, but I guess that’s what I get for dating a raccoon.
God: kill your son
Abraham: uh…ok
God: holy shit I’m jk
Abraham: umm…
God: I’ll probably kill mine tho lol
Abraham: wtf?
HORSE: *walks into a bar*
BARTENDER: Why the long face?
HORSE: Updog
BARTENDER: What’s updog?
HORSE: Not much just walking into a bar
I hate when I toss some cold pizza in the microwave, check Twitter real quick and when I come back I’ve missed 3 mortgage payments.
Kindergartners almost have the best gossip, like my son told me that one of his friends brought EIGHT Oreos for a snack at school but he couldn’t remember the kid’s name
You are probably horrified by my wardrobe
Turns out my cleaner is on Elm St
Should not be a surprise
Do-it-yourself home remodeling usually starts in the kitchen and ends in the depths of Hell.
A bunch of things I labeled yesterday as tomorrow problems had the nerve to show up today and I’m just like excuse me who said you could be here.
Are dog catching nets real or just lies taught to us by Big Cartoon
HER: We broke up at his house at 10:37 pm on Tues the 17th.
HIM: She’s mad at me.
Mailboxes were invented so you know how far away you can be in a robe before you look like a mental patient.
Dermatologist asked why I want my tattoo removed and looked at me like no one’s ever said “because it’s my ex’s Twitter handle” before.
Oh you love your mom? Name three of her albums
3 just informed the cashier at Target, that mommy has a tiny mustache in her underwear.
So the weekend is off to a great start.
Protip: If your wife says don’t put your oversized grilling spatula and tongs in the dishwasher, just hand wash them, she means right then.
funny that they call it a bell pepper, and yet the onion rings
Welcome to your 40’s where the small print appears to have gotten a lot smaller!
when it’s time for me to follow thru with plans I agreed to
Me, a millennial, weighing the pros and cons of two homes on Zillow I cannot afford.