@jamespianka: My phone dies, freeing me from my prison. I look up at the world. Deer live in my house.
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@Crunch11b: Calm down white moms on dish detergent commercials, no wife is EVER that excited about dishes. Ever.
@CheeseCasket: Pharmacist: Don't take this while driving and make sure you eat- *crushes pill and snorts off the counter* "Ok"
@koalaslament: I try and avoid picking up turtles on the side of the road. Just in case they're in the middle of a race.