My phone dies, freeing me from my prison. I look up at the world. Deer live in my house.
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“Honey, it’s time we talk to him about the roaches & the fleas”
“You mean the birds & the bees?”
“DEAR GOD WOMAN HAVE YOU SEEN HIS ROOM!”
People falling down has become a lot less funny now that I’m in my 40s and can incur permanent bodily damage from like yawning wrong
One of the best things about the internet is that it’s very easy to claim credit for things you had no part in. It’s one of the reasons I invented it
My skin is so dry it’s doing a PowerPoint presentation
[hears one Christmas song] My heart is overflowing with glad tidings
[hears another one] I’ve never been angrier
“We want to take our engagement photos here at the library.”
“That’s fun. Are there parts of the library that are especially meaningful to you?”
“Not really, we never use the library.”
“Then why take your pictures here?”
“We want people to think we’re people who use the library.”
My very religious-minded FB friend posted that she and her daughter were going to Netflix and chill today. I don’t have the heart to tell her.
My wife’s celebrity “free pass” is Paul Rudd, and mine is my wife because yah right like I’m gonna walk into *that* propeller blade.
First date questions
1) are you married?
2) is someone married to you?
3) are you married without your knowledge?
4) is there someone that you’re attached to in a married way?
why was 6 mad when 7 won her a stuffed elephant? because 7 1 1 4 9 2
Waiter: and would you like mayonnaise on that?
Wife: Ew, gross.
Me: Why are you making your sex noises at him?
My college kid makes a Hot Pocket nearly everyday, and still reads the directions every time he cooks one.
Memo to self: When trying to set someone on fire, it’s important to use gasOLINE and not your own gas, no matter how much cabbage you may have had the night before.
Apparently this isn’t a nude beach. This isn’t a beach at all. I’m at Target. Don’t do drugs kids.
Music takes practice. Before they were Duran Duran they had to Duwalk Duwalk.
I hope George Clooney dumps his wife so he and Brad Pitt can finally be happy together.
“wYd oN vAleNtiNes dAy”
Going to work bro it’s Wednesday
[Bear attack]
Me: Thank god bears can’t climb trees, I should be safe here.
Bear: *shoots a grappling hook* Think again pal!
You can’t leave the aquarium with a penguin.
It’s a stuffed animal I got in the gift shop.
Ma’am, it’s moving.
I GOT IT IN THE GIFT SHOP!
Sex so bad the Oompa Loompas sang a song about it.
SEXY POTATO: Hey buddy, my eyes are up here, and over here, and down here, and around here and
Murder is like cilantro. You either love it. Or it tastes like soap.
How often do you think they wash the Muppets?
Nothing makes me feel as dumb as choking on water. Where is it even going? I have one throat and we do this literally 100 times a day. Just go straight down, bro.
Knowing how to write in cursive almost feels like a secret language. I can pass notes to my wife that my kids have literally no chance of understanding, no matter how long they try to decode it.
The Apple Watch may become so addictive it keeps people from looking at what’s truly important in life, like their iPhones.
I just want a girl that’s nice and sweet that doesn’t require a lot of money and I can dunk them in milk wait, a cookie, I want a cookie
Nut allergies are proof that trees are taking their revenge after generations of us stealing their young.
Well, shit
This is the cockiest hospital i have ever seen