if youre a healthy young male or female with blood type O, please consider donating a kidney to me. my goal is 22 kidney ‘s
You Might Also Like
[Gets soccer schedule, 8am Saturday games]
*Tells junior he didn’t make the team*
I cleaned the door glass and one of the dogs is barking at his reflection. That tells you how filthy the windows were.
Young God: ok, a little hydrogen and-
*chemistry set explodes*Mom: what was that?!
God: nothing! *scoops resulting universe into shoebox*
[playing poker]
“I’m all in”
*slowly pushes a half-eaten burrito and a cat to middle of the table*
Things that cause extreme panic:
– Accidentally liking a Tweet
– No milk
– Unknown numbers
– The question “you don’t remember me do you?”
Oh, you think your kid is cool? My kid just named his new stuffies Ghost and Bones.
cats are difficult cuz you want to cuddle with them and they’re like this uneven piece of plastic on top of the hard counter is more comfortable.
“Hindsight is 2020” will be a literal phrase when future generations want a guide of what not to do
Me : So I said to the police , “catch me if you can ”
Cellmate : “Them what happened “??
My favorite deleted scene from Lord of the Rings is when Bilbo & Frodo discover they have a long lost hipster cousin called Douche Baggins.
Scuba diving instructor: Be careful not to get too close to the sharks
*under breath* or they’ll break your heart and move in with your brother
If I’m ever captured as a spy, all they’d have to do to get me to talk is put my house slipper on the wrong foot.
Imagine if last names were invented now, so instead of “Smith” and “Baker,” we had “Frontenddeveloper” and “Socialmediaconsultant.”
Fly me to the ouch
Let me play among the ouch
Let me see what ouch is ouch
On ouch ouch ouch ouch ouch.– Frank Piñata
At the grocery store, buying 6 of the same item
Cashier: Are these good?
Me: No. I’m buying all of them just to save others from suffering
“I’ll fix the roof myself,” I said, “save some money” I said…
Don’t worry, millennials, every time you spell it “tho,” I say “ugh,” so it ends up being spelled right.
*finds all 7 dragonballs
*dragon appears* “WHAT IS YOUR WIS…OH GODDAMMIT CHAD, FOR THE LAST TIME I CANNOT MAKE PEOPLE RESPECT NICKELBACK”
i have lived through 30 winters and i’m somehow still surprised when it gets dark before 5pm in november
Thank goodness I’m loud and obnoxious all the time, so my family can’t blame it on the alcohol.
Time really flies when you when you’re down a man at a crime scene clean up.
[After winning an award]
Host: Is there anyone you would like to thank?Me *smiles at my wife and kids in the crowd as I lean into the mic* no
Free pizza at work got me like “Fine, I’ll come back on Monday”.
My wife always accuses me of having a favourite child. It’s not true, I love Matthew and Not-Matthew equally.
Don’t you hate it when you accidentally say something dumb in a conversation and then hate yourself for the next 15 years
I’m going to start an aluminum recycling company called “Only Cans”.
i wonder if jesus thinks about me when he’s on the toilet or if it’s a one way street
6yo: I wish I was a bird so I could poop on people’s heads.
7yo: Why do you need to be a bird?
her: who’s ur favorite vampire
me: that one on Sesame Street
her: he doesn’t count
me: i assure u he does, Jen