My phone encourages me to get exercise, monitors my heart rate and tells me when to go to bed.
I think it’s one of the most nurturing relationships I’ve ever had.
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me: how much for the dog bouquet
girl walking dogs: what
A gym so fancy they call it a James.
I can always tell how stressful my day was by how far apart I’ve kicked my heels when I got home. Today one heel lies in the corner of the living room while I believe the other one is currently orbiting Mars.
Husband: Give me one example.
Me: ALL the times.
Husband: Those don’t count.
9-year-old: Can I spend the night at my friend’s house this weekend?
Me: Sure.
9: Can I spend two nights?
Me: You can live there. Just tell her mom to send over the papers.
My mom still hasn’t used the roomba I bought her two years ago for Christmas because, quote, “I don’t want it to judge our house.”
when someone asks me my body count do they mean like ted bundy or stormy daniels.
to remove a tick first light a candle then slowly and carefully invite it to join you for a nice rare steak
I just want to walk in to a random workplace, put fish in the microwave for 10 minutes on high. Then just sit back and watch the fireworks.
Word of advice.
If you forget to put on deodorant, sneaking into the walk-in freezer at work and holding your shirt up doesn’t solve the problem.
Also that creepy coworker will get even more creepier if you forget to close the door behind you.
Hell hath no fury like a cat reminded there’s food in their bowl.
ME: What are you in for?
CELLMATE: Money laundering.
ME: *lights a cig and takes a long drag* Always check your pockets before washing your clothes.
As a 36 year old man I know that buying nunchucks as a self defense weapon wasn’t a smart idea but as a 36 year old man with a concussion I also know that they will do their job
[before sex]
me: wait have you been tested
him: yea my cholesterol is a little high
men, we mow at sunrise.
Why yes, Autocorrect, I AM driving to work in a horse-drawn cabbage.
My wife had a tick on her. It wasn’t attached though. The whole thing was very zen
How do I feel about your goatee? I shave every part of my legs except the knees, how do you feel about that?
every day I think about the girl who thought everyone could “hear the universe’s energy” and it turned out she just had tinnitus, I hope she’s doing well
A wireless bra? They weren’t tricky enough, now I need a password?
Just when you think you have your shit together, a sock goes missing from the dryer and disappears from the face of the earth.
If you don’t smile and show everyone your teeth when you’re eating Oreos then you’re probably more mature than me.
Maybe you should trust the CDC on how to handle a pandemic over your cousin Matt who is banned from Denny’s for setting off firecrackers.
*completely destroys wrapping paper by trying to swiftly glide the scissors to cut it*
If they handed out awards for peeling a hard boiled egg with grace, I would get absolutely nothing.
I grew up between two pig farms. So, you had me at “farm fresh” and lost me at “air.”
If you still had hope for kids today, a teenager in a bookstore pointed to a book title and asked me if it was about World War Two or Eleven
It isn’t a coincidence almost all movies about camping are horror.
I enter the wrestling ring in jeans and a tshirt. My opponent’s confidence sinks as she sees me biting into an ice cream cone with my teeth. Clearly I am crazy.
Every time I’m around my mother in law, I wonder who is running hell in her absence.