My phone just autocorrected “Haha” to “Jaja” so I guess I’m Mexican now.
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IF I WIN THE LOTTERY MY CATS ARE GETTING GOLD TEETH AND CANOPY BEDS
Had to quit my Uber Eats job, turns out they keep track of how many orders you report “flew out the window,” and “all of them” is too many.
My toddler poured a bottle of lavender essential oil on the floor and I’m calling bullshit on the whole calming effect claim.
(business meeting)
*drops pen on the floor*
*bends over to pick it up*
*shirt comes untucked*
*all the jelly beans start falling out*
In today’s Zoom meeting my foot got caught on my office chair hydraulic lever & I slowly sunk down out of view like a sinking ship leaving my coworkers in wonder
‘Worcestershire’ sounds like the most awful shire a Hobbit could possibly live.
optimus prime: [doing standup] i just flew in from new york and boy are my arms tires
[War in Heaven]
Lucifer: You must choose a side.
Me: Can I get Mac n’ Cheese?
A newborn giant panda is about the size of a stick of butter.
And just as delicious.
Jiminy Cricket: [singing] Always let your conscience be your g–
Me: *sprays insect repellent*
Whenever you introduce someone, put air quotes around their name.
I want you to meet my friend “Ami”
emails from companies that start with stuff like “only nine weeks left to…” who are these for? who has their life together enough to act that far in advance. I don’t know what I’m wearing to work in ten minutes.
i hate people that say “it’s too early to be eating that” WHAT TIME DO A STOMACH OPEN?
Just blew up my daughter’s beach ball by mouth & I’m afraid this beach ball would not pass a sobriety test.
If your dog doesn’t have a middle name how will they know when you’re mad at them when you call them?
You stop eating apples if your doctor is cute.
You can’t make me happy, you’re not a bag of chips.
His best quality?
His bad eyesight. He thinks I’m beautiful.
Asked a vegetarian if she’d heard this song, then remembered vegos are too weak to turn on radios and way too busy playing with their lutes.
store clerk: can I help you find anything
me: yes *hands over where’s waldo book*
If men knew the effect their scent has on women, they’d shower more and fart less.
GF: “Can I be frank?”
Me: “Sure, but I’d be more comfortable if you were a woman.”
I’m not responsible for your kids learning new words if you don’t tell me I’m on speakerphone.
signs you’re dating an angel:
– skin made of smooth marble
– thousands of eyes that emit lasers
– wings violently displace tons of air
– 13,000 trumpets constantly
– peaceful sense of impending doom
– giant chalice overflowing with acid
– texts you good morning
*buying teacher’s gifts*
7: Mrs. J said she hates candles.
Me: {recalling mountain of homework every night} Pumpkin Spice Candle it is then!
bird to holiday ratio:
thanksgiving: 1 bird
christmas: 184 birds
easter: 0 birds but 79,379 eggs.
pharaoh: make my tomb a giant triangle
architect: ah yes, the triangle shape is strong and sturdy & the sides will be sloped so you can symbolically climb into the afterlife
pharaoh: [thinking about using it as a giant slide] yes
Dear water parks, what stops you from building an escalator to the swim slide?
Furniture salesperson: Do you see anything you like?
Waldo: Actually yes this red and white couch is quite nice.
When the lady at the hardware store pointed down and told me my caulk was hanging out, I nearly had a heart attack!