My phone just autocorrected “Haha” to “Jaja” so I guess I’m Mexican now.
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A guy just beeped for me to move from my parking spot and now I’ll be live tweeting from this spot for 3 more hours.
Mary had a little lamb.. And then she had a very large kebab.
#ProTip
Friend: Man he drinks like a fish.
Me: [crouched in a tiny pirate castle with a 12 pack] I’m freaking the hell out.
Friend: we’re going to Mexico this summer!
Me: I just bought a sensible lavender cardigan on clearance at Target, Jessica. I really don’t have time for your drama.
The guy behind the counter asked me what I wanted on my sub and I said a collar and restraints and now I’m not allowed in Subway.
New App Matches You With Others In Vicinity Who Wasted $2.99 On Same App
My favorite pirate song is “Aye of the Tiger”
If your idea of an “Epic” deal is $5 off then we may have different interpretations of that word, Pottery Barn.
I was bored.
Me: Is…is this a toenail?
Kid: Yes
Me: Why did you hand me a toenail?
Kid: Because I want to take it home
Me: Is it YOUR toenail?
Kid: Yes
Me: Throw it out, please
Kid: No, it’s a part of me
Me: Do you save all your toenails?
Kid: No…should I?!
Me: DEAR GOD, NO!
Walking dead spoiler alert. There are zombies and they like to try & eat people but the people are like “nuh uh zombie, we don’t want that”
What is a magic bullet?
A. A theory about the assassination of Kennedy.
B. A fancy blender
C. A fancy blender that assassinated Kennedy
Women’s day is just a made up holiday to get us to buy more women
Marie Kondo: Ask yourself if it sparks joy?
Me: [looks at daughter’s bedroom and throws the entire room out]
The hardest part of having multiple kids is explaining why only your first child has a baby book.
…u ok Nintendo?
*paw prints all your dogs to figure out which one ate my sandwich when I went to the bathroom*
Very sad to hear about Nigel Farage. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just sad to hear about him.
I called it a “housewarming party”. The District Attorney called it “aggravated arson”. Semantics.
(filing for divorce)
Judge: Hello there Mike. The usual?
Me: That’s right.
Cops: Ma’am, put down the knife
Me: It’s murder monday
Cops: That’s not a real thing and also it’s Tuesday
the worst thing about getting attacked by a crocodile is that your friends will probably scream “watch out for that alligator!” and then you will have to explain to them the difference while it’s eating your face
Shout out to the zillow listing where someone was just like eff it, the giant bottle of vodka stays in the kitchen pic
It should be a rule that if you’re going to put you kid on a leash, you can’t be mad if someone walks up, asks if they bite, and pets them
So grateful for pillows. My head works hard, it deserves its own widdle bed.
I pan fried chicken tonight.
On another completely unrelated note: the firemen in my town are gorgeoussssss.
My car was vandalized by a peacock. I wish I was making this up.
Les Miserables was pretty good but I wish I’d had some kind of warning that everyone in it would be so unhappy.
when interviewing a person for a dog walking position, you must make absolutely certain that given the chance, the applicant won’t eat a dog