My phone just changed, ‘calendar’ to ‘cake radar’ and now I really wish I had that.
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I’m trying to convince this guy that ‘jesus is the reason for the season’ but loansharks have a different perspective
[first day as a detective]
cop: there were no footprints at the crime scene
me: *under breath* birds
Whenever I’m having a bad day I think “Goddammit if a baby can hold their head up, then so can I.” Then I pee my pants and scream cuz that’s also what babies do.
ME: please show me the posts in the order that they were made
COMPUTER: thats too hard. heres some tweets i think are good. Do you like this
Sometimes I think I’m reasonably intelligent, and sometimes I click the remote car door lock a second or third time for extra lockiness.
POV: you compliment me and I don’t know how to act.
The only way I would find gender reveal parties even remotely okay is if the guests had the option to boo when the gender is revealed
[In a meeting]
Chad: You look tired this morning, Liz.
Liz: *glares*
Me: *whispers* nobody can help you now, Chad.
The priest said that the demon really wants to leave, but I’m way too clingy, so the exorcism didn’t work.
Having watched me rewire a plug, the kids are looking at me with a renewed sense of wonder.
I think they’re mostly wondering how I managed to make the whole house explode like that.
me: dave and i go way back. we served together for 8 years
her: oh wow. army? navy?
me: olive garden
*steps away from meeting to send my sister a puking emoji*
this is the kind of chaos i demand from a pharmacy
Why is nobody talking about how Sia is just Hulk Hogan’s mustache?
When I travel I just throw my clothes in a suitcase because I know as an Arab they will search me at the airport and fold my clothes neatly.
At what age do humans become manipulative pieces of shit? Is it three? Feels like it’s three.
If necessary, pouring pickle juice into the coffee maker makes a house uninviting to 99% of house guests.
I experimented a ton in college. I tried naps in the evening, naps in the morning, sometimes even 3 naps in a row.
Smoke detector: IS THAT A FIRE I SMELL
Me: No I’m making baco-
Smoke detector: IM A HERO
I always run towards screaming. Sure, it could be a horrible murder in progress. BUT it could also be ice cream.
I’m down 10 lbs since Christmas and all I did was drink more water and stop eating gingerbread houses.
We’re looking for someone to eat macaroni and cheese at the end of our bed while we have sex. No weirdos please.
In the 1990’s we didn’t have Uber, so we just hitched a ride with a stranger that didn’t look like a serial killer.
Real terror is the moment when you realize you’re about to sneeze with sore abs
Why is it called “Alien vs Predator”? Isn’t predator an alien too? They should’ve just called it “Some Aliens”
Hey.. with the intention of eating half your pizza.
[first date]
him: I love an outdoorsy kind of girl who’s also dirty in bed.
me: * trying to impress* I once slept with a hobo who lives in the woods.
Victor Frankenstein being only 23 years old when he made the monster is crazy to me, he should have been at the club.
Yeah sex is great, but have you ever rubbed your eyes for a really long time? O. M. G.
My grandmother’s secret ingredient?
Cigarette ashes