My phone just changed CrossFit to Croissant, this phone really knows me better than any human.
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Wow. I got my first #ChatGPT-written paper for an undergrad assignment on positionality. This line was the tell: “I do not have a personal history, identity, or culture in the traditional sense because I am an artificial intelligence language model.” Ooof!
The entire world is the kid in the back seat asking are we there yet. Politicians are the parent saying “soooo close” and scientists are the honest parent.
Is it lovers quarrel or lover squirrel?
either way, couples therapy is going great
My spirit animal is a fat raccoon struggling to get into a dumpster
“My wife’s just made me breakfast using the hot bread cooky thing.”
“Toaster?”
“Ladies and gentlemen, to my wife!”
“Get out”.
Lady at the door asked if I’d found Jesus and I was all HOW IS HE MISSING, IT WAS YOUR DAY TO WATCH HIM. I don’t think she’ll be back.
I think costco should be the next president of the united states
pilot: ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. we have just reached our cruising altitude of 15,000 feet
guy with massive foot fetish: *visibly sweating*
Great books in 140. The Great Gatsby. In 1922 a mysterious millionaire is obsessed with a now married former girlfriend and has to be shot.
Him: Shall we have sex?
Her: I want to wait til we’re married
Him: Ugh fine
Priest: Shall I continue?
Therapist: *holding up a stack of cards* look at these ink blots and tell me the first thing that pops into your head.
Squid: danger, predator, escape, fear of death, danger, my mother-in-law, danger.
Therapist: still on the first card.
I accidentally got my blow up doll pregnant.
Related: I’ve got some balloons for sale.
A werewolf is chasing you and you are going to die but he’s wearing TOMS and you can’t stop laughing.
me: *nervously* will he feel anything while you’re operating?
car mechanic: no
Mugger: Give me your wallet!
Me: Back off! I know karate.
*later*
Me: Well, he called my bluff.
Doctor: You have lost a lot of blood.
Not to brag but I’m never late for work without a good reason. For example this week my boss is on vacation…
“This isn’t working out,” I insist to my girlfriend as we glide effortlessly downhill on her tandem bicycle.
They say if you love something you should let it go, but I don’t think this pastrami sandwich will come back to me, so I’m just eating it.
Jacob Marley: You will be haunted, by three spirits
Me: Ok, like that’s any worse than being haunted by the stupid thing I said in science class back in 2000.
[undercover FBI agent steps out of his surveillance van, knocks on my front door] do you ever stop eating?
Me: I’m going to start eating healthier!
*buys exactly the same groceries + 1 carrot*
Me: Nailed it.
This empty can of Cheese Whiz will now be known as Cheese Was.
me: hi, can you tell me which is the bride’s side?
lawyer: guests are not allowed at divorce proceedings
Chivalry isn’t dead. He’s just sleeping. Right, chivalry? CHIVALRY!?
[meets a cute girl from Scotland]
“Ummm hi your people make fantastic tape”
Annoys me when I’m typing my reply and someone starts typing like you see those 3 bubbles and I’m just like no excuse me wait your turn thanks
Air Canada says 20,000 mobile app users have been affected by a data breach. On the upside, the hackers might know where your lost luggage is.
BULLY: [rolling up sleeves] you wanna take this outside?
ME: yes, yes i do. it’s so beautiful out there today. a truly gorgeous day