me: what’s your name?
alien: it cannot be pronounced by your earth tongue
me: is it jeff?
alien:
me:
alien: I didn’t know you could do j sounds it actua—it is jeff
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I let an AT&T Customer Service Representative call me Brenda for a half hour because I was too embarrassed to correct him
No one rushes to view your WhatsApp status like people who have their read receipt off.
I keep my enemies closer because you can only throw a rock so far.
EVERYONE FREEZE THIS IS A ROBBERY!
“What’s that?”
It…it’s a sawed-off shotgun.
“Aren’t you supposed to use the other half?”
…shit.
Duolingo getting serious.
Welcome to your 40’s. You’ll be mad if a neighbor doesn’t mow their lawn.
GUY: I wish girls liked comics.
GIRL: I love comics.
GUY: Oh really? Then what’s the Hulk’s favorite flavor ice cream?
A public stoning, but it’s just a group of people throwing donut holes at me
[friend at his party] I think we’re just gonna keep spotify on for awhile
[me with a harmonica imprint in my pocket] cool my lips hurt anyway
I have 11 pictures of myself from high school. My daughter has 11 pictures of herself from this morning.
whenever i’m laughing i’m always like omg just like that cow from that cheese
[married convo]
Her: Hey, babe…guess what?
Him: What?
Her: *whispers* I’m not wearing any panties.
Him: You need me to do laundry?
“Baby, you know I’m drunk.”
Cop: “I need you step out of the vehicle.”
WHAT I SAID:
Woah! You look like Tina Turner on meth.WHAT I SHOULD’VE SAID:
Good Morning Honey.
I live in fear that my death will somehow be connected to the opening of a pressurized Pillsbury cinnamon roll container.
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what are your coordinates
me: I’m by a cloud that looks like a lion
control tower: can you be more specific
me: simba
I could own zero permanent markers and my toddler would find at least 5 of them.
A work from home email:
Dear mom,
Per my last email, I would love a grilled cheese for lunch, at your earliest convenience. Please advise.
Best,
Gwynn Ballard
Manager of House Operations
I like to throw bottles into the ocean with notes that just say, k.
me at age 5: if I get a million dollars ill buy a yacht and 14 trampolines
me at age 25: if I get a million dollars ill go to the dentist and pay for express shipping on stuff
Earth was the first world I created. It has all kinds of problems. #firstworldproblems
Me: Got any 7s?
Wife: Go fish
Me: *returns from Bering Strait a changed man* I watched the sea take my best friend to his grave. Got any 3s?
victim: *running away, singing friends theme song*
murderous villain [drops knife while clapping]: damn it, not again
[On The Cross]
Jesus:”Father, forgive them, fore they know no-”
Voice from the crowd:”DO THE WINE TRICK”
Only cowards need to take bath salts to bite a stranger’s face
Every parent who has picked up a toddler and taken them away from a playground while they kick and scream and cry is legally allowed to put “bouncer” on their resume’s work history.
Me: Did you like that story?
5: Yes, I love Goldilocks.
Me: Of course they had to change the ending for kids.
5: There’s another ending? Tell me.
Me: You don’t need to know.
5: Tell me, Tell me!
Me: They’re BEARS for God’s sake. How do you THINK it ended?!
Whatever doesn’t kill you TRIED TO KILL YOU!
My arm fell asleep, which is understandable, considering how boring the rest of my body has been.
Her: is it in yet
Me: *fumbling with phone charger behind bed* don’t rush me