I still close the bathroom door when I’m home alone bc I don’t want the murderer to break in and see me on the toilet.
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“This is precisely the time when artists go to work. There is no time for despair, no place for self-pity, no need for silence, no room for fear. We speak, we write, we do language. That is how civilizations heal” – Toni Morrison
IKEA is the swedish word for “relationship meltdown in a public place.”
My wife sighed from the other room, which can mean one of 2,639 things.
Inflation has me feeling like I’m back in college cause I’m living off of ramen most days.
ME: babe I wanna show you something *lifts shirt up*
HER: you didn’t swallow lightning bugs again did you
ME: it’s supposed to say “will you marry me” *flicks tummy* c’mon guys we practiced this
FOR SALE: air guitar, never played
When I said that you’d always have a place to stay in rough times, I meant like a motel or a shelter. Anyway … You can’t stay here.
You have tattoos and curves?
*unbuttons pants*
You’re also batshit crazy?
*takes off pants*
You listen to Paramore?
*puts on clothes*
My kid: *does something cute*
Me: That’s great, sweetie, now please can you do it again in a cleaner part of the house so I can take a photo?
He’s a 10, but that’s in Fahrenheit so he’s frozen.
[ alone in a dark cemetery ]
me: marco
Me: In this day and age, for a man to be preaching intolerance is unacceptable.
Wife: Big deal. So the doctor said you have to stop eating cheese.
life is like a box of chocolates: it kills dogs
Video games should be banned. My son just threw a turtle shell at a walking mushroom then disappeared down a green tube. Someone call 911.
I’m really sorry you figured out my tweet was directed squarely at you, person I’ve never interacted with or thought about before.
Ever since they started calling pole dancers “artists,” I’ve been writing on my resume that my talents include “moving in artistic circles.”
You can’t tell me to make mental health a priority and also keep putting calorie counts on restaurant menus.
I have my hesitations about Paradise City if the first thing you brag about is the color of the grass.
3 introduced me to a new game he calls “It’s Mine” he hands you an object and when you say “thank you” he grabs it back and yells “that’s mine”
1/5 stars, do not recommend, but honestly it’s not the worst game he’s made up
[Yelp Customer Review]
Bill’s Wild West Saloon
Tasty food served in giant sheriff’s badges. I give it ate out of tin stars
netflix be hiring writers who have literally never had a normal conversation with anyone ever
My wife: I just gave myself a pedicure in record time!
Me: Impressive feet!
first my neighbor liked my electric fencing, then he was on the fence, and now he’s dead set against it
Me: *holding a baby* How do you reboot this thing?
There are two kinds of people here
1. Those who tried deleting another person’s tweet or reply.
2. Liars
I’ve just had a rejection for a submission I made two years ago. Can I tell them that the book was accepted, published, reached the top 100 in the Amazon Kindle chart and I’ve since had another book published with a new one out this month, or is that just too much? 😝
me: i will totally dominate the zombie apocalypse
wife: you whine when you can’t find your hand lotion shut up and eat your cereal
when someone rings the doorbell
You think you’re cool and then you see a video of yourself running.
Police Officer: i will arrest anyone who had a hand in this
Puppeteer: [visibly sweating] oh no