@irememberfallin: My phone number is one digit off from a local restaurant's. When I'm in a bad mood, I'll take reservations.
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@murrman5: [at funeral] "my phone is vibrating" want me to create a distraction so you can answer it? "no, are you craz- *points at casket* HE BLINKED
@TheMichaelRock: I bet the murder rate is so low in Canada because you have to go 300 miles to find someone to kill.
@murrman5: did your friends rob that bank? "I'll never talk" I forgot that you're prejudice against robbers "what?!? some of my best friends rob banks"
@david8hughes: [news anchor signs off & doesn't realise he's still on air] How fucken ugly was that baby though? Ugh. Put it back in, am I right?