My condolences to all the pets called stupid names.
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chicken run, though it depicts chickens, touches on a universal human truth. I don’t want to be a pie.
Kids don’t like it when you laugh at them after they step on their toys. Taking a video of it doesn’t help either.
Celebrities are like we’re just like you then they name their kids Fruitcake and Archipelago.
ME: *posing nude for a painter*
GUY PAINTING MY HOUSE: please sir…I have a family.
You want some advice? Don’t order crab cakes when you’re 700 miles from the ocean.
I swallowed an ice cube yesterday and still haven’t pooped it out.
I’m getting really concerned.
Someone said that my kid would probably grow up to be president, and I’m not sure if it was meant as a compliment or an insult.
[during sex]
Him: punish me, baby
me: *tells him everything I had to eat that day*
Him: wait, stop
me: hang on *hands him the phone* my mom wants to talk to you
Him: *dies*
‘Time to meet your maker’ I say, more in hope, as I unpack another box of IKEA furniture.
[home depot]
employee[yelling]: YOU CAN’T DO THAT IN HERE
me: [yelling over the sound of revving chainsaw]: WHAT
Anxiously sneaking to use a pen that my daughter has strictly forbidden me to touch shows exactly who’s in charge of this house.
My vet just texted me and asked for me to bring a sample of my cats “first pee of the morning” to her appointment tomorrow and I just have…so many questions. First of all: how. Second…what is morning to a cat??? Cats just..sleep whenever???
if you fall at the winery that’s a sauvignon bonk
Sorry, can’t. I looked away while my child was in the middle of an hour long run-on story and now he has to start all over.
[ autumn, 1579 ]
pumpkin farmer: i say, you’ve spilled your spice on my pumpkins!
spice merchant: poppycock! for YOU have gotten your pumpkin in MY spice!
susan: *rising up out of a barrel* omg this is sooo good I want like 12 ventis all in my mouth
judas: honestly jesus is the coolest dude ever i hope he lives forever
jesus: worst movie ive ever seen? Space Jam
judas: yo what the f
Europe. Made in Germany.
She has a weimerhi…wimerrihym….wimmerhie…
She has a big gray dog.
“Pardon me. Might I murder you with my musket? Yes? Excellent news, kind sir!” – The Very Civil War
Just finished a book about an immortal pet dog. I couldn’t put it down.
Drunk on Twitter: Omg what an awesome idea!
Morning after on Twitter: Jesus Christ I’m gonna have to leave here now.
date: this is so romantic
me: just the two of us
date: and the stars
me: and the moon
the moon: *winks at my date*
me: *narrowing eyes* son of a-
[city marathon]
ME *handing out drinks to the passing runners*: DRINK?
RUNNER *grabs drink from me*: THANKS
ME *chasing*: SO WHAT ARE WE?
That awkward moment you tell someone they need to take their Halloween profile picture down and they never put one up.
Keep finding mysterious rocks in the pockets of my 6 y/o’s sweatshirt after school.
Can’t tell whether she’s starting a collection or planning a 1st Grade Shawshank Redemption.
All tattoos have meaning. In Brazil, they mostly mean you have disposable income
*uses 2 pens to tap out the drum solo from In The Air Tonight by Phil Collins during my disciplinary with HR
I swear i’m surrounded by idiots… no one even understood me when i said “to all intense and porpoises.”
I just want to have the poker face of a toddler that tells you that they didn’t poop their pants.
mountain lion attacks are on the rise. especially in california. be prepared!