@dumbbeezie: My phone only recognizes my fingerprint if it has cheese on it
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@3sunzzz: My doctor said I need to drink more water every day, so I have started putting ice cubes in my vodka.
@BonaFideIntent: How much cocaine is 2 much? Do u think security will view me ridding the elevator from the 1st to 2nd floor for the past 3hrs suspicious??
@GrantTanaka: Waitress: Can I take this out of the way for you? Me: [glances at wife] uh…sure Wife: SHE MEANS THE PLATE, IDIOT
@GashleyMadison: Coworker: What would be your ideal- Me: Sleeping CW: But you didn't let me finish my- M: My answer is always sleeping.