@dumbbeezie: My phone only recognizes my fingerprint if it has cheese on it
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@UnicornSyrup: I want my remains to be scattered all over the beach when I die. Also, I don't want to be cremated.
@Love_bug1016: The person who is your first and last thought of the day is either the one who has your heart, or who's murder you're secretly plotting.
@JaneBadall: In retrospect, the kidnapping was going according to plan until I blew my nose on the rag I'd soaked with chloroform.