Why?
How I answer every text when my friends with little kids ask me what I’m doing tonight
Related – I never babysit
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I believe in karma which means I can do bad things to people all day long and just assume they deserve it.
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ll land among the other losers who missed a 15 million square mile target.
“How old are you? Wow, that’s really weird. That seems too young to be a bitch”
This bouncer’s lucky I’m with my lady and physically frightened of him or he’d be in a world of pain.
I believe the plural is “milves.”
Me: *pressed against glass* they can’t keep us apart, they can’t deny our love, you’re my lobster
Aquarium owner: *into walkie talkie* security
Me: *being dragged away* WAIT FOR ME LEONARDO DA PINCHI
“conference” comes from the Latin “con” meaning “together with” and “ference” meaning “the worst people on earth”
Murderer: *trying to break into my home* *struggling with the baby gate*
Me: It’s a – you have to pull with your thumb while you LIFT
Murderer: Like this? I don’t-
Me: Yeah, yeah, now LIFT
Murderer: *jiggling gate* You know what, I’ll try a different house. You have a good night!
Nice echo chamber you got there. Be a shame if someone were to….DISAGREE WITH YOU.
Breaking up
(be mature, be mature, be mature)
Me: (eating chips) you can’t use the carpool lane anymore.
Whenever my kid’s teacher asks how I’m doing, I always want to reply, “Why? What did my kid tell you?”
I asked my 4 year old why he was heading into the garage and he casually replied, “don’t worry, dad, I’m just grabbing a hammer.” I know I should intervene, but part of me hopes he’s going to fix the loose baseboard in the hallway.
“I want you inside me,” I whispered to the tray of warm brownies.
I can’t believe there’s a sex offender registry. Who’s buying gifts for these people?
Me: was I born with a mental disorder?
Mom: did you iron a shirt while wearing it again
Me: NO
Mom: ?
Me: I thought pants would be different
Boss: Are you asleep?
Me: Sorry, must’ve dozed off
B: That’s unacceptable!
M: I apologised, didn’t I ?
B: And where are your pants?
M: *shrugging* I always sleep naked
[3rd date]
Kate: You wanna come back to mine for coffee?
Ian: Sure!
Kate: Have you got any condoms?
Ian: Do you not know how to make coffee?
My southern mother passive-aggressively reorganized my refrigerator in the ten minutes she was left alone with it and now I can’t find the cream cheese
People who say “Money doesn’t grow on trees” don’t understand the paper making process.
GF: I’m leaving you
Me: WHAT? WHY?
GF: You’re too afraid to take risks
Me: [Softening Doritos under a tap before eating them] THATS BULLSHIT
[3rd Date]
*To myself* ok, you really like this girl. Just play it cool, detached.
ME: I don’t even care what season we get married in.
Parenting toddlers: [stressing out because they never stop talking]
Parenting teenagers: [stressing out because they never talk]
Any animal that has a face CAN SPEAK. They’re just being stubborn.
Before you decide to spend less time on social media, make sure you go to every social media website and tell everyone.
Airline just told my GF she has too much baggage & they’ve only known her a couple of minutes.
Ayn Rand, Rand Paul and Paul Ryan walk into a bar. The bartender serves them tainted alcohol because there are no regulations. They die.
Me: People who are superstitious about the number 13 are silly. It’s just a number.
Also me: *cannot have the total amount on a gas station pump end in anything but an even number or the number 5*
Husband: How much did you spend on those new boots?
Me: *turns on the blender* What?
Husband: I said…
Me: *turns on the vacuum* Sorry, can’t hear you!
We met for coffee yada yada yada next thing I know we’re in the back of my car covered in lobsters and her dog is driving us to the ER
of course they’re your soulmate you only know 15 people