My phone says connected but somehow I don’t feel it
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Easter tip: Tell your kids you hid an egg with $50 in it in the backyard but you don’t remember where. Enjoy a quiet day indoors.
On all dating sites, my profile name is Chupacabra, and my profile picture is a Chupacabra, which surprisingly does not deter men at all.
Me: Good night.
Brain: Night.
Brain: But if dog bacon existed would you eat it?
[God making a planet for the first time and just constantly screwing things up]
Ugh, first world problems.
If you’re going to regret this in the morning, we can sleep until the afternoon.
While staying at hotels, I always ask for the oil stained parking lot view
if i heard the mario coin sound whenever i completed a task maybe i’d accomplish more
Me: How many times do I have to ask you to brush your teeth?
10: Why is it called a building if it’s already built?
*reading law book* oh no I think I’m in a common law marriage with Taco Bell
Why are they called “grammar Nazis” and not “the Gestypo”?
“Robin, I don’t care how much you love that show. We’re not opening the batcave to Storage Wars.”- Batman.
#wordsofwisdom
If it says, ‘Do not try this at home’ – go and visit a friend.
just ate soup so fast my Fitbit thought i was running
If you throw a pot of boiling spaghetti at someone’s face and it sticks, it’s done.
This is what makes twitter great
[batteries in my TV remote die for the first time since I bought it 4 years ago]
“Useless piece of shit.”
Pilot: “What does this button do?”
*intercom turns on*
Pilot: “Doesn’t do anything. Not sure what any of these buttons do.”
[commencement speech]
when I look out at all your faces, I see future leaders & scientists who will change the world, I also see probable felons & a whole bunch of divorcees, some of you will be great inventors, some of you will get a dui and- what? no I don’t go to this school
Friday is Cinco de Mayo. White people haven’t been this excited about tacos since Tuesday
I try to compartmentalize, but then I remember that’s how they built the titanic.
Cop: I need statements from you both
Miley: he came in like a wrecking ball!
Bull: all I wanted was a china bowl
the male barbie should’ve been named barbo
SPIDER: But I need my ID
COP: I’m confiscating it
SPER: Damn you
Ain’t gonna lie. Growing up, I thought Bermuda triangle is gonna be a bigger problem than it turned out to be.
mayor, handing me tissues: you do understand what a “town crier” is, yes?
Heard my kid say, “I’m sorry, but my mom doesn’t talk to strangers when she’s home unless girl scout cookies are involved” when he answered the front door, so obviously I have a favorite now.
All I want is for someone to push me up against a wall
Lean in
And whisper ‘I’ll do your housework’
I HAVE BEEN TO FOUR DIFFERENT FABRIC STORES LOOKING FOR THIS ‘WIFEY MATERIAL’!
WHERE COULD THIS TYPE OF MATERIAL BE!?