My phone will never let me forget the day I texted “hahajaha”.
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I’m going back to work tomorrow after the holiday break, which means playing that annual game:
What food is rotting in the office kitchen?
😂😂😂😁😁🤣🤣
me: i trained my cat to talk
her: let’s see
me: name an object pronoun
cat: me-
me: what do i say when i’m hurt
cat: -ow
her: this sucks
me: just wait
cat: we’re just getting started Linda
Guy: I hate my spouse.
Friend: You gotta end it.
Guy: I also hate myself.
Friend: You gotta en… learn to love yourself!
Shout out to the top 5 suits in the world, 3-piece, zoot, swim, law and birthday.
one thing the entire animal kingdom has in common is the face we make when our kid won’t shut up
I use awkward numerical range description anywhere between 13 and 4 times a day.
One time I drove to the gym and just sat in the car and listened to music. My gym is right next to a bakery and the smell of it lured me out and I went in and got a buttered bagel. I sat in my car eating my bagel watching people go in and out of the gym.
Parenting books never prepared me for how much time I’d spend arguing for kids to get both into and out of the shower.
Mah Dearest Emma,
War on Christmas is hell. This morn, I saw 7 elves stabbed with 1 menorah. I fear this nog soaked yuletide may nevah end.
Adulthood is equal parts ‘nobody can tell me what to do’ and ‘I wish someone would tell me what to do’
Me: the enemy of my enemy is my friend
Enemy of my enemy: no, i don’t like you either
Hi, fire department? My cat is in a tree. Television has taught me that this is your problem.
I tell people I broke my neck playing sports but it was actually from flicking my ponytail to unleash ancient curses.
It’s ‘before’ not ‘B4’…
We don’t speak Bingo here…
English husband: How’s it going in America
Me: People are shooting at the weather
Some kids pranked a school board meeting on some Bart Simpson shit and I am crying!! 😭😭😭😭
COP: where were u between 1 and 2
ME: in a diaper
COP: i mean 1 and 2 at night
ME: sleeping in my crib?? idk
“let the meat rest for 5 minutes after cooking” wtf it doesn’t need a rest just been sitting there in the oven for an hour
[resorting to cannibalism]
My GF: we’ve only been out here for 4 hours!!
Me: he would have wanted us to survive
Him: You smell nice. What is that?
Me: [twirling my hair] Cough drops
[bar]
CUSTOMER: Barman
BARMAN: Sir?
C: This beer tastes like piss
[further down the bar]
BEAR GRYLLS: I’ll have what he’s having
“Children should eat a variety of colors in their diet!”
My children’s dinner:
I received a basketball in the mail from Amazon. I haven’t played basketball in 20 years but apparently drunk me thinks I’m Michael Jordan.
Hospitals don’t like it when you unplug things to charge your phone w/ out asking first
People who drive slower up hills know how cars work, right?
imagining a gas station in the 1800s but it’s guys parking their horses as they eat some grain and the guys complain about the price of the grains
I’m sorry that I gave your baby a wine cooler. I forgot that I superglued a mustache on him earlier and thought he was of legal age.
Me: wades through every single customer review and image before making an online purchase
Also me after receiving item: I will die before I rate this product