When people talk about enriching their lives, I assume they’ve found a way to add more cheese.
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wife: You’re home early
me [hugging the dog] I had to see you
(Inventing bathroom stalls)
Guy: should the door touch the ground
Other guy: how would we see their shoes?
I’m in a doctor’s office waiting room and there’s a People magazine on the table. I can’t believe Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston are getting a divorce.
More often than not, I read applause as applesauce.
Me: I don’t understand why I’m not losing weight.
Husband: Maybe it’s the 5,000 calories in gummies you eat every day.
Me: They’re vitamins!
It’s never been safer to eat the rich, at least you know they’re getting tested regularly
Wife: Talk sexy to me
Husband: Commencing garment extraction
W: Huh?
H: Initiating trouser disengagement
W: …
H: Removing unmentionables
Kids will find some random stick on the ground and within thirty seconds it has a name and a very thoroughly developed back story
I mentioned to my wife that her lingerie is quite revealing…
and she replied, “Well, then wear your own!”
Her: I’m sorry my baby keeps crying. He’s got teeth coming in.
Me: Well, don’t worry, I’ll sign for them…
WIFE: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because I name inanimate objects?
WIFE: no, it’s because you won’t stop wearing that eyepiece
ME: [looking perplexed] why do you hate Monoclewinsky?
FRIEND: I hate when people refer to their pets as children.
ME: You do that all the time with your dog.
FRIEND: I don’t have a dog.
ME: …
FRIEND: Are you referring to my toddler?
ME: …Probably.
(spilling my bag at the airport in an attempt to show off) oh sorry lol these are just my Hot Wheels
[eating cured meats and mixed cheeses while jumping out of an airplane] lmao pacharcuterie
My hips don’t lie because they be like, “Fool, you gonna need some ibuprofen tonight after thinking you could play tag with your kids.”
Everyone on this train is pretending like a hotdog didn’t just fall out my pocket.
I’ll bet Waldo owed some people money. You don’t get that good at hiding for no reason.
No matter how much milk I buy or when, there is always 1/8 cup left in the carton when I want some.
I get it fish, my body is also beer battered
Everyone’s a gangster until they turn a spoon the wrong way under running water.
Kinda thick horizontal curvy line, two thinner curvy vertical lines, squiggly line, different thicker squiggly line
-Japanese spelling bee
I finished 3 books today. Believe me, that’s a lot of coloring…
Me: runs for 2 mins
My heart: if you don’t stop, I will.
Them: How many calories do you eat each day?
Me: Usually 1500, sometimes 10,000.
(Me giving a Rorschach test) What do you see?
Patient: A house and
Me: Wrong it’s Batman. Ok this one?
Patient: I se
Me: Nope. Batman again.
FRIEND: hey while I’m on vacation can you come over and feed the cat?
ME:
FRIEND:
ME: to what?
Thank goodness my food comes pre-murdered. I don’t know if I could do that.
I’ve never played Russian Roulette, but I have used a condiment from my parents’ fridge without checking the expiration date
Good cop “If you confess maybe we can cut you some sort of deal…”
Crab cop *walks sideways off the table*
I imagine dinner would almost be cooked by now if I’d remembered to put it in the oven
– a memoir