@Steelers1972: "My phone's about to die." -Me, 30 seconds into every phone call ....
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@jwoodham: I socially identify as the guy who tried to jump off of the sinking Titanic but ending up hitting a massive propeller on the way down.
@WonderMonkey78: I love it when all my iPhone apps tremble in fear when I'm about to delete one of them. Makes me feel like God.
@lasergirl70: Friend "Listen to this. I had wine delivered the other night and I ended up having sex with the delivery guy" Me "There's WINE delivery?"