@Steelers1972: "My phone's about to die." -Me, 30 seconds into every phone call ....
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@AndyAsAdjective: Movies led me to believe there would be a whole lot more unlocked cars just sitting around with the keys tucked away in the overhead visor.
@ClickBaite: [Genie] Last wish idiot, impress me. [Me] I want Morgan Freeman to narrate my eulogy [drops dead] [Morgan Freeman] He was an idiot.
@angelunatic_: Picture me and my boyfriend on a dinner date Wrong We're sitting on the same side of the table making you uncomfortable
@poizngrl: Going to Walmart with my mom and kids is a great way to test if the Xanax is working! *eye twitches