@Steelers1972: "My phone's about to die." -Me, 30 seconds into every phone call ....
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@uccjeb: When I see 18 wheelers carrying something covered with a tarp, I just assume that it's an injured Transformer.
@murrman5: [interview after finishing last in the olympics] do you regret saying "I could win this race wearing flip flops" [pulls mic close] yes
@imdaintyaf: People complain when my baby is crying and then they complain when I stuff her in the overhead bin, MAKE UP YOUR GD MINDS