@Steelers1972: "My phone's about to die." -Me, 30 seconds into every phone call ....
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@Reverend_Scott: DOCTOR: Push again, the baby is- MOTHER: IS SOMETHING WRONG? DOCTOR: [holding phone] No, I just caught a Jigglypuff up in there.
@heatherlou_: Having one bathroom in your house teaches you that it is possible to hate a person because of a bathroom.
@Pro_Jones_: Kids: *jumping on me* WAKE UP Me: I'm woke Kids: How woke? Me: We're putting Harriet Tubman on something that enslaves us all today.
@Ygrene: Me (young, foolish): refrigerator may I have a few ice cubes? Refrigerator (old, wise): one or one-thousand, there is no few