@Cherry_Row: "My phone's about to die." -Me, 30 seconds into every phone call.
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@ruinedpicnic: *shipwrecked diary* Day 1: alone, doing well. Mentally sound. Met a crab Day 2: crab seems untrustworthy Day 3: CRA B LEAR N ING TO WRI TE
@Storminika: Can't afford Sea World, so I took my kid to a fish market. Me: 'Shhh, they're asleep' 'Mom, they're breaded' Me: 'That's their blankie'
@XplodingUnicorn: Me: I'm way tougher than you. Wife: I gave birth twice without an epidural. Me: So? Wife: You called in sick for an ice cream headache.