@Spaziotwat: My "Pi" tattoo is taking longer than I thought
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@HenpeckedHal: Wife: "Sorry, but my OBGYN said no sex for six weeks after childbirth." Me: "Oh, ok. What about..." Wife: "My dentist said six weeks too."
@InternetHippo: Bad guy (punches me while i’m strapped to the torture chair): Do it! Disrespect women! Me (spitting out a tooth): No
@HorribleDancer: Just once, I want someone to kick the guy grinning and waving behind the news reporter.
@Cheeseboy22: The best way to infuriate a mom is to open a second box of something when there's still a box of the same thing already open.