My “Pi” tattoo is taking longer than I thought
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I wish my car’s back-up camera had a “Save” button, because some of the expressions on their faces.
HUSBAND: We’re meeting my parents at noon. Did you shower yet?
(flashback to me using a wet wad of toilet paper to wash my armpits)
ME: Yes.
THERAPIST: Well, if you know what’s good for you…
ME: [Holds up hand] “Let me stop you right there”
Do you ever delete tweets because you’re afraid someone will think that tweet is about them? Or if they are from Canada, aboot them?
guy at work just said he is going to see the new Jurassic Park movie and someone said “is that the one about dinosaurs?”
People say I look amazing at my age. I just follow a simple routine of adding 10 years when I tell them how old I am.
When I was a kid, my mum used to run a dating site for chickens. She did whatever she could to make hens meet.
Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets. Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets.
It takes two months to get fat and two years to get in shape.
Science is a lie.
Even in mid-air, when we
can see nothing but the clouds, my kid can still rock the question, ‘are we there yet’
I’ll make sure my house is clean when you first come over to visit
But after that I don’t care because you’ve seen it clean once
[Spain, 1578]
“I’m not a witch!”
But all the cats?
“My pets!”
The broom?
“For cleaning!”
The cauldron of boiling children?
“Ok I’m a witch.”
Her: oh my god i’m so wet
Me: have you tried putting it in rice?
Too bad we can’t get paid for our funny tweets. I could probably make about $10.
I keep every love note I’ve ever written because one day I’ll have grandchildren who will find them and it’ll fill my heart with joy to hear one of them ask what it means to tongue punch a fur burger.
if i text you “🤩” it means i have a starfish over each eye
Then: Runs 5 miles every morning before work
Now: Picks up a dryer sheet with my toes so I don’t have to bend over
IF YOURE UNDER 18 DO NOT READ THIS
fellow grown folks. isn’t oatmeal delicious
we’re gonna need another temp
I told a second grader today I didn’t have a cell phone when I was his age and he looked at me sadly and said oh so you had a flip phone?
hate it when I go “whatever, this is the next persons problem” and the next person is me.
Job interviewer: so what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: job interviews mostly
Her: Treat me mean, do bad things to me!
Me: *changes the WiFi password*
Why’s it called casual sex? It’s not like people in relationships have sex in top hats…well not every time.
*getting murdered*
WAIT!!!!!!!
*buys new underwear and put them on.*
*flosses*
*sets phone on fire*Okay, proceed.
Relationship status: Getting dirty is always a reference to food stains.
The biggest myth about travel is “packing light” – don’t bother! Light is available from the sun and artificial sources worldwide.
Shout-out to smartphones for eliminating tedious tasks from our lives like reading books or watching the road when we drive.
Him: Take off your socks. They don’t belong in bed.
Me: My socks are off, though.
Him: I meant the sock puppets on your hands.
Right sock puppet: Well, you’re no fun.
Left sock puppet: *blows raspberries*