My “Pi” tattoo is taking longer than I thought
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New Mom: I bought my kids’ Halloween costumes back in August!
Me: That’s cool. I take my kids shopping on October 31st so they can’t change their minds 800 times.
I will walk one state over to avoid parallel parking.
I’m trying to convince this guy that ‘jesus is the reason for the season’ but loansharks have a different perspective
If you are looking for a relationship without all the baggage I suggest a layover.
At my funeral, take the bouquet off my coffin and throw it into the crowd to see who is next.
I don’t eat dessert for dinner nearly as much as I thought I would when I was 8
Walmart calls them self checkouts, I call them I might not pay for some of this.
Me: He was choking. Seemed like he couldn’t breathe
Cop: Why didn’t you help him
Me: My dog was sleeping in my lap
Cop: Totally understand
12 people have been to the moon and only 8 people have won Takeshis castle. Really makes you think.
Still looking for the Christmas presents I hid last year.
I used to workout to get laid. Now its to impress whoever will be performing my autopsy.
Get your kids Christmas pajamas so they’ll have something comfortable to fight in.
[An alternate reality where Smurfs live among us and I see Smurfette at the bar and she’s looking real good]
Me: Hey I think you’re really bluetiful
My husband knew I’d never wear slippers because that’s where spiders lay their eggs and he still married me so I think that makes him the weirdo
There’s safety in numbers.
CDC: Uh, no.
So my therapist recommended a “digital detox” and I did way better than I thought I would. I only checked Twitter three hundred and twenty seven times today instead of eleventy billion.
Mini-horses are like mini-donuts, you can’t just eat one
when your friend and their shitty ex get back together and you’re just waiting for things to go bad…
[Infomercial]
HOST: Wanna learn how to lose up to 15 pounds with one simple trick?!?
AUDIENCE: Yes!
HOST: Here’s how! *rips off his own arm*
I am going to learn to astral project or I’m going to sleep trying.
McDonald’s just offered me a coupon book to promote the mcrib in a tweet?? Lmao no thanks,, im not THAT cheap. Not like the McDonald’s™️ McRib™️ sandwich. So tangy. So delicious. A little slab of heaven for a mere $2.99 now available for a limited time only
“Wait, the video is almost over!” – any kid with 17 minutes left on their video
Just thinking about how hard lockdown was for people with secret families
Literally no one understands something more completely than a woman in a meeting who starts a question with “Just so I understand…”
Do teenagers have to meet a weekly eye roll quota because at this rate my daughter will be the MVP this year.
Deli counter guy told me bad things happen in 3’s after he dropped his phone and bumped his head, so I complained about him to management.
At this point in my life, the little angel on my shoulder just says “Oh this is gonna be good…” and starts munching popcorn.
*teacher sees students sharing a note*
Teacher: why don’t you read that out loud
Student: [reading note] Dear teacher, this is an intervention. Your methods of discipline via public humiliation are uninspired carbon copies of Hollywood tropes. We wrote this letter as a class…
Watching Grey’s Anatomy teaches me that if I’m really sad, I should walk slowly down a corridor to a Snow Patrol track.