My “Pi” tattoo is taking longer than I thought
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can you start monday at 8?
“yes, thank you for the opportunity”
[calls new boss at his home on sunday night]
hello?
“am or pm?”
The biggest mystery of our time
Whats O07s kink?
Bond-age.
No one talks to you on the bus when you’re shaking a box of Milk Duds that your head phones are plugged into.
*bumps into an acquaintance in a world where there’s no such thing as weather* Uhhhhhhhhhhh
ME: sorry, I’m just in a really dark place right now
COAL MINER: who the hell are you
Them: love what you do and you’ll never work a day in your life
Me: ok how can I make this apply to eating cheese?
The Titanic was unsinkable until Leo DiCaprio had premarital sex with Kate Winslett. Keep it in your pants until marriage kids.
Don’t assume Wal-Mart sells walls. Unless you want an argument about existential reality with an 85-year-old greeter.
Wife: I told you to baby proof the house!
Me: I did. That baby has no chance if it comes in here. The bear traps will make sure of that.
Puts myself out there
Puts myself back bc wtfff
mom: are u coming to ur uncle’s funeral
my brain: grant, be careful
me: sorry, I can’t make it
brain: careful
me: because
brain: easy
me: my uncle died
brain: oh ffs
M: Yes, I’m here for the complimentary wine tasting.
Priest: Ma’am, this is a church service.
M: Oh, no worries. I can wait.
Dr: Your Mom is like regular moms except we lost her in surgery.
Me: Did you just use a joke format to tell me my mom died
Dr: yep
[magic school bus]
KID: where are we going today
MS. FRIZZLE: the zoo
KID: but last week we went to SPACE
MS. FRIZZLE: im hungover, children
Me: don’t you love it when you find $20 in a jacket pocket?
Guy [wearing a jacket that used to have $20 in it]: *distant yelling* hey get back here
Wife: Can you go pick up a chair I bought on a Facebook group?
Me: What if the seller is a murderer?
Wife: Why do you think I’m sending you?
him: can i be honest?
me: not from what i’ve seen.
no such thing as a dumb question
People always ask me if my problem kid is the middle child but my husband is the oldest.
Jesus said if a man strikes you, to turn the other cheek
…but the rest of the instructions are, plant foot, use your legs and throw a right hook back!!
– my Dad
CEO: Long lines. Bad parking. No shade. Crying kids. $7.00 drinks. We need a good name.
ETHAN: How about “amusement park”?
CEO: [under breath] Genius
my landlord still demanding physical checks like can you not exploit me here in the digital age…
BOSS: There’s limited parking at the event so we are going to carpool
ME (pulling a pair of floaties out of my desk drawer): oh hell yeah
Everyone knows you don’t need a wood chipper, if you have pigs.
ME: Doc, it hurts, did anything break
DOCTOR: Your hip
ME: Well, yeah, Daddy-O, but did anything break
I’m tired of pretending that people know what a first cousin once removed is.
Jellyfish have survived here on Earth for 650 million years without brains. Great news for stupid people.
If she’s not ruining your life…..She’s just not that into you.
*Crosses fingers*
*Fingers plan their revenge*