My daughter wants to be really scary this Halloween so instead of a costume she is going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.
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[toddler birthday party]
Stranger: my child is 36 months old. how old is yours?
Wife: mine’s-
Me: hey babe, I hurt my toe in the bouncy house. can you drive to the ER so I can eat my cake?
Wife: -432 months.
i sadistically pat the top of my sandwiches before eating them like good job now you die.
Me: Two men enter, one man leaves
Friend: Do you have to say that every time you drop me off at work?
Turns out adding glitter to your urine sample doesn’t add sparkle to the lab techs lives. It does, however, get you yelled at by your doctor.
[speed dating]
DATE: ding
ME: did u just make the ding sound with ur mouth
DATE: no
ME: we have 4 minutes left
DATE: *louder this time* ding
Triscuits are great because it reminds us that our gums can get splinters too.
oprah: who said that shit
meg: im not gonna say
oprah: okay i respect that
oprah: harry who said that shit to you
HARRY JR: what do you see in the mirror of desire, papa
HARRY SR: well if i look closely i see you mowing the lawn this morning like i asked
HER: Wow, look at all the presents! How did you afford it all?
ME: I used Kohl’s cash.
[police burst through the door with Kohl]
KOHL: That’s the man who mugged me!
8-year-old oversleeping in 1910: oh beans da boss at the poison factory is sure gonna be steamed at me
restaurant hosts will be like “let’s sit them at table 26Bq105” and then a server will just be like “ok follow me”
“Daddy, I want to watch Dora.” Sweetie this is Dora. It’s the one where she plays an NBA basketball game against the Brooklyn Nets
I thought it was a staring contest but then I realized the guy had a glass eye so now I can never go back to that gas station again.
If you’ve ever referred to yourself as a “diva” there is a 100% chance at least one person you know has fantasized about murdering you.
Due to the economy, I am handing out condiment packs I have collected from my delivery orders. 🤷🏻♂️
zordon: YOU ARE MY POWER RANGERS
9th graders: whoa!
zordon: HERE ARE THE KEYS TO THE MEGAZORD
9th graders: but we don’t even have our driver’s licens–
zordon: GO GO POWER RANGERS
Not everyone was Kung foo fighting
I was just trying to get out of my sports bra
Oh, you’re here. Who’s running hell?
[soldier dying in my arms]
“You take this & you give it to my wife.”
“No [pushes watch back to soldier] she lives really far away from me.”
One of these days I’m going to see a video on Tik Tok that tells me I have been breathing wrong my whole life and I’m just gonna stop.
Me, about to cook non-English food: time to start culinising
Hell, YES, I work out. Somebody has to support the ibuprofen industry.
3yo: Why do we have a room just for the toilet and the bath?
Me: So people can have privacy when they’re going to the bathroom or taking a shower.
3yo: Why would someone want that?
I think I’m beginning to understand the root of much of our disconnect.
100% of all babіes are unemployed. Pathetіc.
Emotions so raw, Gordon Ramsay makes a clever joke about them.
*walking my 5 year old back from the bathroom
Lady: Your grand daughter is so cute
Me: She’s my…. Thank you
this year i WILL investigate all suspicious noises instead of merely saying “must have been the wind” and returning to my patrol route
Him: You put feathers of a crow in this drink?
Me: Yes, I made sure they all came from 1 crow. It’s…
Him: Please don’t.
Me: …single molt
Today was old man training day for the boy. Lunch was pickled eggs and sandwiches and we talked about the weather. Then, over a dinner of chowder we complained about the music kids these days are listening to and then we had pie and coffee in complete silence.
I bet that cop who went down the slide real fast has some relatives who have been waiting MONTHS to get to roast him to his face today.