@GuyThe_Guy: My pistol only holds 9 bullets, so when I lose my shit I only get to kill 9 people or one cat.
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@Bollingmargaret: 3 year old daughter: “I want marijuana.” Me: “What did you say?” 3 year old: “Marijuana.” Me: “Huh? I don’t know what you’re asking for.” 3 year old gets remote and turns on Netflix and points to movie. Me: “OOOHHH...Moana!”
@Playing_Dad: Daughter: Daddy, I want to reach out and touch a star Me: Yeah, well, that would incinerate the both of us instantly so I don't think so
@freypalm: My dad: See, when you said you'd met a "special someone" we thought… Me: Go on. My dad: Me: [taking hold of the penguin's flipper] GO ON.
@buhsbaby_baby: [before sex] Just so you know.. I can only be on top cause' I'm not gonna take my backpack off