My first landlord was murdered and my new landlord is potentially kicking us all out by selling my building…which is all incredibly stressful because there’s just no way I’m going to get away with it twice
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You: Would you like a keto burger?
My Anaconda: No.
me: *nervously approaching printer* h-hey there little guy.. kinda in a rush to print something
my printer: *territorial printer noises*
I like my pizza like i like my square root of 64.
Ate.
Just Once i’d like to see a Shark wearing a People Tooth Necklace
Me: I’m so sorry, my dog ate my homework
Comp Sci Professor: your dog ate your coding assignment?
Me:
Prof:
Me: it took him a couple bytes
Each one of us has a secret. My secret is that I can’t keep a secret. Also Jill is a lesbian.
[coming in second] Meh, I never cared about winning in the first place.
Me: Just once?
Dog:
Me: Please?
Dog:
Me: Say, “I’m a law-biting citizen”
Dog: That’s not water in your cup, is it?
No, Twitter trending topics, I don’t want to hear about double mutant ninja COVID.
[climbs a Tibetan mountain for 6 days & stumbles out of breath into a Buddhist monastery] please. please tell me u have wifi
You: Hold my beer.
Me: *drinks it because I’m not a table*
Before I had kids I never really reflected on life’s little mysteries. For example, why is my toothbrush under the couch?
When life hands you 3 kids…..
You add the lemons to some vodka and hide in the closet.
I know it’s so bad but all the other restaurant names were taken. Anyways welcome to Feastiality can I get you guys started on some drinks
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy, asking him to love her! And that’s when my son went back to playing Minecraft 🙁
Hate it when I bring someone back to my place for the first time and all they want to talk about are the corpses.
BUILDING INSPECTOR: what’s this called
DARTH VADER: the death—
[inspector’s eyes look up from his clipboard]
DARTH VADER: uh the health star
[first phone call]
Watson: hello
Graham Bell: Eureka!! It works!! While I have you, did you know your vehicle warranty is about to expire?
me: *falls down stairs*
kind stranger: oh, you poor thing!
me: *tears in my eyes* why did you have to bring my finances into this
Sorry, your invitation got lost in the trash.
Him: Who sings American Woman?
Me: Guess Who.
Him: Lenny Kravitz?
Me: Guess Who did it first.
Him: I don’t know.
Me: Guess Who.
Him: …
I serve garlic bread at every meal, but these blood-sucking vampires still haven’t moved out.
Me: “Bless me father, it’s been 13,505 days since my last confession.”
Priest: “You’re off to a bad start.”
Did you come from a “never take medicine for any reason whatsoever” family or a “you might get a headache today, take 12 advil” family
The lady cutting my hair asked me to lift my head like I was taking a selfie. I don’t know what’s worse, her request or me knowing exactly what to do.
*brings cake to bed for an after sex treat*
Me: want a piece?
Her: wrong, whole.
*sees a meteor* I wonder where that’s landing. Maybe if I run fast enough I can get crushed by it.
I got married under the spiderweb at recess when I was in kindergarten. I just saw my ex with his new wife. I bet she doesn’t know he eats crayons.
“i can’t go because of coronavirus”
– whiny
– boring
– weak“i’ve sworn an oath of solitude til the blight is purged from these lands”
– heroic, valiant
– they will assume you have a sword
– impossible to check if you really have a sword because of coronavirus
there’s probably a fee though