interviewer: why were you fired from your last job?
God: [sweating nervously] ok have you ever heard of humans
You Might Also Like
Me: you should join Twitter.
Them: I don’t even like people.
Me: then you’re gonna love it.
I once matched with a guy on a dating app who had climbed Mount Everest. Twice. And he was still single. Using an app. That’s how hard dating is holy shit
Prince Charming fell madly in love with Cinderella after only one dance, yet I’ve performed a majestic rendition of The Humpty Dance at multiple weddings and haven’t gotten even one date out of it.
Do you like long lines, mass transit and sweaty white people?
Ask your doctor if a Disney trip is right for you.
[first day as a mover]
boss: ok the items in these boxes are super fragile, treat them like your own kids.
me: got it boss *walks over to boxes* LISTEN HERE IF YOU DON’T CUT THIS SHIT OUT YOU AREN’T GOING TO NANA’S
“my dad works at Nintendo”
“No he doesn’t ur such a liar”
*Donkey Kong walks in & takes off his hat & coat*
“Hey sport, good day at school?”
You: hello
Me: Ok here’s why you’re wrong
I miss Taco Bell so much that tonight I drank a bottle of gorilla laxative.
(watching The Exorcist) She gets to miss so much school
I tried to explain Pokémon to my 4-year-old.
After hearing myself say it out loud, I’m pretty sure I ruined both of our childhoods.
I’ve been doing comedy for 12 years and I gotta say to this day the hardest I’ve ever been roasted is when a 12 year old on NBA2K said “yo, where’d you get your mic, Radio Shack?”
Popeye just relied on the spinach to turn him into a bucking mule or his hands into sledgehammers. He really had no fighting technique.
In Medieval times, people used antimony as a 𝘳𝘦𝘶𝘴𝘢𝘣𝘭𝘦 laxative.
Today, we can eat a different hotdog every day.
A horse covered in floaties gallops happily toward a swimmin pool.
He sees a sign “NO HORSEPLAY”
He lowers his head
“Ok”
& sadly trots away
When you spill the batter all over the counter it’s pancakke.
How to make it rain:
-Hang washing out
-Wash car
-Decide against umbrella
-Nip out for lunch
-Plan barbecue
-Style hair
-Go to seaside
-Water all your plants
-Open the sunroof
-Take a day off
-Have windows cleaned
-Paint fence
-Put cushions out
-Say “should be a nice day”
NEIGHBOR: dude, that’s the scariest costume I’ve ever seen. I love Halloween.
ME: [wiping blood off my chainsaw onto my apron] costume?
Interstellar (2014) – A widower utilizes mankind’s greatest technology to get as far away as possible from his kids.
A cool thing about dogs is they never get to an age where they are developmentally required to think you’re a cringe idiot. I mean, it’s not a competition – but my dog has never asked me to drop him off a block away from his school.
phone sales rep: may I speak with the head of the household pls?
me: just a sec, he’s using the litter box
“I wasn’t born yesterday.”
-hilarious talking baby
My urologist said I have a healthy prostate. I was deeply touched.
Things I never thought I would say: “well if you unpacked your stuff you’d know where your elf ears were”.
Parenting is fun lol
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
Psychiatrist: You seem much better!
Me: Thanks, the airline lost all my baggage.
If the characters can come alive in Toy Story, then why can’t my dishwasher play cleanup while I’m gone.
Flame has not adjusted back to house life yet. She stole a cinnamon roll from the kitchen and ate it.
God: you’ll protect your kids by carrying them 3,000 miles to keep them warm
Penguin: got it
God: you get pouches to keep ‘em safe & so they never get lost
Kangaroo: Love it
God: when they get too big just throw them out & hope for the best
Bird: wait, what?
CBS Fall Line-Up:
Big Bang Theory
Young Sheldon
Old Sheldon
Ghost Sheldon
CSI Sheldon
Last Sheldon Standing
America’s Got Sheldons
Him: I’m feeling under the weather.
DATING: I’m so sorry. That stinks.
ENGAGED: I will nurse you back to health with chicken soup and cuddles.
MARRIED: *sprays him with lysol*