My purse is deeper than some people.
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Bury me in a werewolf costume so when I come back as a zombie people will be like “lol what”
I don’t always make my order as complicated as possible, just when the server is showing off by not writing it down.
man: you buried my grandmother in the wrong plot
me: you could say I made a *looks to camera* grave mistake
man: and her body has been stolen
me: that’s a *winks* grave miss take
man: and someone spilled drink on her coffin
me: *slurping straw* that’s a grave milkshake
*gets a full 8 hours of sleep*
Me: That’s suspicious
Things Stephen King books taught me to be afraid of:
-dogs
-cars
-storm drains
-hotels
-the street
-writers
-little girls
-the prom
“Latte” is Latin for: You paid too much for that coffee.
I just had the best argument in my head and I cannot wait until someone pisses me off.
When I was a kid, dad would say ‘I’d give that a minute’ as he emerged from the bathroom after a heavy night on the beer.
I vowed I’d never be that crass with my kids, so I don’t give them any such warning.
Boss: What’s your five-year goal?
Me: Paid administrative leave.
Me: So my car made a noise and..
Mechanic: That’s gonna be expensive.. I can tell already.
*entire building at my work loses power*
*I run all the way to Linda’s office*
Remember when you said light up shoes were a dumb idea?
I celebrate International Women’s Day by visiting my local CVS and torching all their ‘JUST FOR MEN’ products while screaming: “NOT TODAY!”
I would make a terrible Buddhist because I kill a lot of ants and drifters
My brain forces me to relive traumatic moments over and over and over and over, but it won’t tell me where I left my laptop charger.
[first day as chinese police officer]
me: guys…it happened again.
[police radio]: okay *sigh* push your fingers in gently toward each o…
Kids these days won’t get the trauma of passing notes in class and hoping nobody reads it until it reaches the recipient.
Celebrating Easter by looking like I’ve been dead in a cave for the last 3 days
Villain: Does crimes.
Super Villain: Does crimes, uses self-aggrandizing adjectives.
* 9 comes in from playing outside*
Me: Wow, your hair is a mess.
9: Ha, not messier than my room.
Me: What?
9: What?
[Trapped on a plane]
Me: Can’t put it off any longer, we must eat the other passengersWife: what no
Me: I’m growing weaker
Wife: We have been delayed for 45 minutes
Sent this guy 27 texts in the last hour and haven’t heard back so I guess I should probably drive over to his house and make sure he’s okay.
Someone taught my daughter how to craft 3D snowflakes and now she’s made so many that the inside of my home looks like it was in the path of an avalanche.
birds really just be screaming at 5am, go make breakfast damn
DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: THERE’S CHRISTMAS PAPER AND BOWS ALL OVER
DOG 911: Your human let u eat it?
DOG: NO
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
Slave1: I never knew my parents
Slave2: same
Moses: I was put in a basket & placed in a river
Slave1: do baskets float?
Moses: they do not
14 [in front of the dinner his dad made]: I don’t understand what I’m looking at.
My son just said he’s going to call me “Squishy” to match my stomach and now I need to have another kid just so I can have a favorite
good morning to everyone except people who leave themselves enough time to eat breakfast
Dora the explorers parents don’t give any kind of shit about Dora. She’s 7 and she’s flying planes and shit to South America with a monkey!