I’ve bought tickets to all One Directions upcoming gigs.They’re not my cup of tea but the tickets say The Doors open at 7:15 and i love them
You Might Also Like
Kids: The floor is lava
God: Soon
If I can hear you chew, I have fantasized about your death.
“Captain, I do believe a larger vessel might be in order.”
–Jaws, dubbed for England
I miss the old days when I could say I wasn’t around and you couldn’t check Facebook or twitter to see if I was lying
I read that 83% of prison inmates are Christians…should I be concerned with my safety when I’m up in Heaven?
I don’t care what people tell you, but LA definitely has 4 seasons: Pilot, Earthquake, Fire and Award.
Pandemic’s been going on so long quarantine is now quaranadult
“Can I speak to your manager please?”
“I AM the manager”
I thought I might be pregnant.
It turns out I’m just three months fat.
I saw a tweet saying liberals should create their own Captain America. They did. In 1940.
asked my mom about this guy Ben in my hometown and she said “no one cares about that Ben anymore, there’s a hotter Ben now”
Cicadas are all like, “Y’all mind if I scream?”
Looking forward to Keanu Reeves making improvements to his home in the upcoming
Matrix: Renovations
attention murderers, please do not murder me for the next 1 hour and 40 minutes as i am once again watching How To Train Your Dragon
“YOLF!”
– immortals, probably
You’re pretty cocky for someone with such a small…
….vocabulary.
when you’re jamming to an old-school r&b song and someone older than you ask “what you know about this?”
me:
I’d never survive in Canada, it’s so cold so cold I’d ask random strangers to set me on fire
I don’t think I could pass a polygraph, even the simple questions because I overthink. They would ask is Amanda is my name and I’d be conflicted because I know my birthname before I was adopted or they would ask if I had ever did acid & I haven’t but I use hyaluronic in skincare.
Me: Everyone’s doing an Easter tweet today, guess I should do one
Also me: *flipping through bible for research* whoa whoa whoa what are they gonna do with those nails
My husband doesn’t think our family will eat a 5 pound bag of cheese and I’ve never been so determined to prove him wrong.
BOSS: Ok, so we’ve decided we’re definitely going to call our new product yogert. Has anyone got any thoughts on the spelling?
ROBHURT: yeh
Forget being the bigger person, I’m going to just start barking at people
Know why Norway puts barcodes on their naval ships?
so when they return to port they can…
Scandinavian…
13: *staring glumly at garden* Why so much spinach?
I swear I’d chuck this phone off a bridge if I didn’t know I’d chase after it.
I was winning at blackjack until the pit boss offered to exchange my chips for chips and salsa.
Man, we’re losing so many people at work. Eric got fired, Amy found a new job, Rich evolved into a being of pure energy and ascended to a higher plane of existence, Sam’s internship ended… Everyone’s leaving.
Your resume just says “falconer”
“And?”
Well, this is a bank
*falcon starts break-dancing*
“Not yet Tyler, wait until he offers us the job”
[Sexting]
“So, what are you wearing?”
A nice blouse and a light sweater. Sensible shoes.