one time i went to the bathroom and i didn’t know my xbox headset was still on and the other gamers heard me give myself a pep talk
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If you want my opinion ask my wife
Guys if ur drinking tonight please remember this; u can always use a frozen hot dog if u run out of ice. Ok stay safe & keep it real.
What idiot called them Key & Peele instead of Jo-key.
Gravestone: If you’re reading this I am dead.
You: Help! I’ve been shot!
Me (remembering a time I poked a hole in the side of my cup o’ noodles with a fork but held my finger over it to stop the broth from leaking while I ate): I can help.
This bitch wants me to take her to dinner at an expensive restaurant. Like I’m not trying to save up for a Nerf Gun or anything.
Swiss cheese is cheating cheese cause there’s holes where there could be more cheese stay woke.
What do you call a really small strawberry? 🍓
Strawbarely.
#StrawberryDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Oh boy, $150,000!
Every time I look into baby carriages, there’s always an INFANT inside and never a very small, old-timey gangster smoking a cigar.
Disappointing.
*Friend sees my knuckle tats*
F: ‘MMA4LYFE,’ really?
*I put my fists by my English prof’s ‘OXFORDCO’ knuckle tats*
*we start break dancing*
Walking my dog we saw a guy in a suit walking his dog and I know my dog is thinking I don’t dress nice for him anymore.
A web shooter like Spiderman would have so many uses, like I could grab the chips without leaving the couch.
[Friend who gave birth a week ago]
“I’m on the treadmill!”
[Me who gave birth 18 years ago]
“My tailbone still hurts”
Me: Man I love the eighties
Grandparents: We have names
My brain at 6am: I’m tired.
My brain at 9am: I’m tired.
My brain at 1pm: I’m tired.
My brain at 5pm: I’m tired.
My brain at 2am: Are shawls oversized scarves or undersized blankets?
Autocorrect says I am currently: all out of ducks to give, most of you are full of shot, twitter is overrun by aunts and life is a birch
A man at a cemetery for Titanic victims claims to have taken a photo of a ghost. The ghost reportedly said “there was room for two people.”
Rock bottom is bad, but it still beats scissor bottom.
Every time you get dressed remember that, if you die, that’s your ghost outfit forever.
Gloria Gaynor: Go on now, go! Walk out the door! Just turn around now because you’re not welcome anymore
Hotel California manager: Gloria, a word
I adopted a rock.
He just sits there and does nothing all day.
It still beats raising Kylo.
If a woman wears a ponytail holder on her wrist at all times that means she’s always down to pull her hair back and fight you.
Him: Why is there an antenna sticking out of your hair?
Me, definitely not an alien: Why are you humans so suspicious of everything?
[Approaches table]
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Him: This is an AA meeting.
Me: Oh, I’m sorry. Can I buy you some drugs?
“First off I want to wish my opponent the best of luck and oh god. OH GOD NO” – presidential candidate accidentally using their 3rd wish
Has anyone tried sacrificing a billionaire to the old gods?
me: [sprinkling white ash on the ground in the shape of a pentagram]
build-a-bear employee: please don’t do that
People refuse to believe you when they ask what you do for fun and you say “sit quietly at home.”
They’re like, “haha, no, if you can do anything!”
Like, yeah dude, this conversation is what’s preventing me from living my dream. As soon as we’re done, guess what I’m gonna do?
DATE: …so that’s how I ended up at Harvard Law!
ME: Sometimes I make a fruit salad in my mouth by biting into different kinds of fruit LOL