What do geologists do on a day by day basis? I mean…haven’t we basically discovered all the rocks by now? I don’t get it.
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Parent/Child conversation tweets are always so cute & sweet!
Thought I’d try one:
18: Can I borrow the car?
Me: NoWasn’t that adorable?!
“Where do babies comes from?”
Well, son, when a man and a woman love each other very much they make poor decisions.
Therapist: So why are you guys here?
Me: I feel like we are having communication problems.
Him: This is our first date?
This is Weller. He picked this flower for you. He also may have eaten a few of them. Not this one though. This one was special. 12/10 we are honored Weller
Me: It’s not working out between us. You’re too suffocating.
Darth Vader:
Of course I have a picture of my kids. Let me find a good one.
* frantically scrolling through 8000 pictures of my dog sleeping
“I get knocked down, but I get up again
You’re never gonna keep me down”~Bowling pins
“If anyone has any reason Kim & Kanye should not be married, speak now or forever hold your peace.” -Taylor Swift’s moment of revenge
Everyone is worried that technology will corrupt our youth, but I had unrestricted access to the internet and cable tv as a kid and I turned out absolutely awful.
Before meeting a hot chick, wish I could talk to the dude who’s sick of her bullshit.
My 22 yr old was listening to Baby Shark yesterday and the song is still stuck in my head. So I get it, moms of toddlers, I really doo doo, doo doo doo doo.
me telling my computer i’ll update everything tomorrow
‘THERE IS NO SHOUTING ON THE BUS!’ she shouted.
Doctor told me I need glasses. So I’m having several tonite.
The ocean is over seasoned. Too salty. Zero stars.
ME: My wife thinks I’m nuts
SQUIRREL THERAPIST: *excitedly* go on
Stop sending me this shit.
me: i trained my dog to talk
her: let’s see
me: describe sandpaper
dog: ruff
me: the outer layer of a tree
dog: bark
her: this sucks
me: that little rapper guy
dog: bow wow
*doesn’t turn down whale sounds relaxation cd while being pulled over*
Goodnight moon
Goodnight room
Goodnight wifi connected devices
Goodnight CIA
When they told you to ‘seek attention’, they meant ‘medical’, not ‘internet’, psychopath.
Cute girl: omg I love this bread
[At the next table]
Jesus: [loudly, holding up a slice of bread] so this is my body
follow request on instagram. a tan and in shape man on a pool float. blocked.
I wonder how many of these NSA agents have a crush on me.
“How do you speak with an American accent?”
“Well, imagine vowels killed your parents, and you’re out for revenge.”
Xylophonist Shredding It
Listen, if you are going to someone’s house for Thanksgiving, compliment their baseboards. That is what they are spending today cleaning.
Welcome to your 40’s: that kid acting like your doctor, is your doctor.