My 8 year old daughter and my teen son are being sweet to me again, all it took was breaking my arm.
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Being Man, a territorial animal, I assert dominance by sending Facebook Pokes.
Not to brag, but I’ve seen Barbie naked.
I shake my bottled water so the H’s & O’s are evenly distributed.
I couldn’t get the dog off the bed so I held up his ear cleaning solution, now he’s hiding somewhere and I’ve got fresh linens
The boy is putting whipped cream on the cat. I think he may have overheard a conversation he didn’t understand quite so well.
if y’all catch me barking while my dog is sleeping, mind your business i’m teaching her a lesson
Me: I’m not cleaning that up
Clifford the Big Red Dog: you have to
There’s magic in the air and it’s called Wifi.
Welcome to twitter. A twenty two year old will be assigned to you shortly to give you life advice.
Ribbed condoms don’t even taste like ribs
Why would Sally sell seashells by the seashore? There are plenty there that are free. Just walk and you are bound to find at least 40. Idiot
Nothing shows more confidence in humanity that a mom with 4 kids in a drive through not checking the order before she pulls away
I’m at this weird place in my life right now where I’m being chased by police helicopters
Watching the end credits of a movie so you can take note of the producer & director and never ever watch anything else that they make
●︿●
Just me?
*Looks up from phone.
“When did you get home?”Husband: “I’ve been talking to you for the last 15 minutes.”
What idiot called it proposing and not kneel diamond
Amanda Bynes and Lindsay Lohan have a fight to the death. Who will win?
Everybody.
“omg you’re covered in blood! are you ok?”
[cut to me blending a tomato but I cant get the lid on properly]
you should see the other guy
Me: I don’t think this YouTube video is appropriate.
5-year-old: If you’re scared, I can watch by myself.
If you’re worried about the birth rate then venmo me $400,000 and I will have a child
Next time during church, stand up and ask your pastor “Have you ever turned down heroin?” Both Yes and No are equally entertaining answers.
Technically, a millennial is anyone who had to learn cursive but never had to use it.
If I had a nickel for every time I had a nickel I would just continue getting nickels until I had all the nickels.
HOW TO BE A LAWYER:
Witness: I saw your client do it.
Me: Allegedly.
W: No, I did.
M: Allegedly.
Judge: That’s argumentative.
M: Allegedly.
To cut a long story short, play your audiobook on triple speed.
Took my 3 year old to a lot of historic sites and whale watching today. Asked what her favourite part was and she said, “The M&M’s”.
shoutout to everyone trying to look busy instead of working the final hours before a holiday weekend
Dr: What seems to be the problem?
Me: It’s my hearing, Doctor.
Dr: Can you describe the symptoms?
Me: Mmm, well, there’s Homer, Bart….
Could you set a lightsaber on low and use it as a back scratcher?