I learned all my flirting from lizards so I just do a bunch of really fast pushups when I see a cute lizard.
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Before I had kids I wasn’t a morning person but after parenting for years I can finally look at the beautiful sunrise every day and say, I’m still not
Relationships are like houseplants, if they’re mine they die
Women across the Twitterverse get random nudity requests, and I? I get a request for a voice note of me blowing my nose.
I’m not mad at Bezos for going into space. I’m mad at him for coming back.
I keep my enemies closer because you can only throw a rock so far.
10 y/o daughter walked up to me, turned and flipped her hair in my face claiming that is what she does now to finish an argument, which is cool and all except I didn’t know we were fighting.
They say you should do at least one thing each day that frightens you. Today that will be laundry.
A friend cut me from their family Christmas card mailing list, do I send a thank you card or…
professor: you, explain the philosophy of predeterminism
me: I guess I don’t have a choice
professor: great job
me: what
A horror film, but it’s just a dad who accidentally locked himself out of the house, and now he’s peering through the window at his toddler alone with a sharpie.
*quietly tries to open a bag of chips during a bank robbery*
Slipknot sacked their drummer a few months ago, and suddenly Kate Middleton is nowhere to be seen?
Surely not a coincidence, she must be locked in rehearsals frantically learning their tour set list and getting a horror mask fitted.
at this point space aliens could land on earth on sunday night before the election & we’d all go yeah ok whatever
[first day as a paramedic]
How much of their blood are we allowed to drink?
People in the bar at closing time are kinda like samples at Costco.
Both seem so much better before you take them home.
Went onto the patio and found out that my daughter is in the process of making fake dog doo with insulating foam sealant. Do I ask or just let nature take its course? #QuarantineCrafts
The moment I met my mother-in-law, I could instantly tell that she was the type to unfairly judge me.
friend: wait, so she really left you because of how you pronounce certain words?
me: yeah, so supposebly I pronounce it “expresso” and it makes her exspecially upset, idk
Can’t. Too busy being force-fed teething crackers by my 1yo daughter.
I don’t care how poorly they do, I’m giving my kids straight A’s cause I’m not repeating this shit again next year.
Girl twin: mummy stop the car!!
Me: what happened?!
GT: stop the car!
Me: are you ok?!
GT: STOP THE CAR!!! *cries*
Boy twin: *cries*
Me: *stops car* what’s wrong?!!
GT: mummy!
Me: what is it?!
GT: oh it’s ok I couldn’t see my shoes but they’re on my feet
Me: *cries*
I’ll never judge another mom’s house, unless of course she has little kids and it’s spotless
me: lol THAT’S your sword?
enemy: this blade can cut through steel
me: [confidently] I’m not even made out of steel you idiot
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
the CDC reading all the CDC tweets tomorrow
The cardboard crowds are getting a little Rowdy at the game.
Boy, are you a destination wedding? Cuz I can’t come.
me: want the stick
dog: not really
me: fetch the stick
dog: why would I do that
me: fetch it boy
dog: that seems pointless
me: [throws stick]
dog: oh cool now neither of us has a stick