@viktorvaughan: My plan is simple. Drink Vodka until I start speaking Russian.
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@MatCro: SON: How are monster trucks made? ME: Son, when a monster and a truck love each oth- GF: [glares] ME: He's old enough for the facts, Jane
@Vodkantots: My neighbor with the Confederate flag is harmless after all. He just drove off in the cutest little ghost costume.
@mylifesuckers: Husband: Let's talk about it when we're not tired and cranky. Me: So, in like 18 years?
@CulturedRuffian: Tim Burton could've saved a lot of money on 'The Nightmare Before Christmas' and just shown a 2016 Facebook Year in Review instead.