@viktorvaughan: My plan is simple. Drink Vodka until I start speaking Russian.
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@beisswrandon: The best way to get your kid to play with 800 toys at once is to tell then you're going to donate them to charity.
@64spoons: Got CPR and CCR confused. Ended up playing "Fortunate Son" on my boombox while watching a man die.
@Cheeseboy22: I always make it a point to become friends with babies. That's free cake once a year for a lifetime.
@ibid78: [my 1st day as a doctor] I can't find a pulse [patient] that's a trashcan. I'm over here [me] hold on, I think this trashcan is dying