[High Stakes Poker]
Dealer: Are you in or are you out?
Schrödinger’s Cat: [For the 20th time]
BOTH
[Player flips table]
You Might Also Like
[god creatig god]
GOD: make him omnipotent & onmipresent
ANGEL: ok…
GOD: and also provide no evidence he exists
ANGEL: ru sure
GOD: trust me
So let me get this straight. A dude comes back to life after three days and no one cuts his head off?
If dogs named famous people, we would have:
-Bark Wahlberg
-Bark Zuckerberg
-Bark Hammill
-Bark Obama
-Charles Barkley would still be Charles Barkley
Apparently in order for exercise to be effective you have to keep doing it. Seems like a scam to me.
I’m so white I once said “imma bounce” at a party and then hopped away like a bunny rabbit.
Husband just told our daughter we were going hiking “near the place where mommy had to pee outside”
Dear parents,
Here is your reminder to delete the 1000 photos your 3-year-old took while playing with your phone.
On a scale of 1 – 10 where 10 is being up on technology and 1 is washing clothes by beating them on a rock, I’m about a 5.
“A picture is worth a thousand words.”
–anonymous“A thousand words is for amateurs.”
–children
Welcome to Bed Bath & Beyond, here’s your gun, shoot anything that comes out of the Beyond
I am at my most pretend homemaker when I have a repair person in the house. Who me? Oh I’m just gonna sit here and handsew the trim back on this pillow and when I’m finished with that I’m going to sort my dried flowers for two hours.
people in the Bronze Age actually lived far more luxurious lives than our own. Archaeological evidence indicates that they had vases with octopuses on them. do you have that? didnt think so
A fancy juice bar shut down near my house, and I am terrified of what the next level of gentrification might be. A gastropub/crossbow range? A CBD eye drop salon? A private club for dogs who don’t believe in vaccines?
Me: don’t tell mom where we hid her birthday presents.
3yo: I won’t.
Wife: hey guys.
3yo: mom your birthday presents are definitely not under my bed.
The directions on every jar of anti-aging cream should read: “Apply liberally to face & neck 20 years ago.”
You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not my dog
I’m sorry I pretended to be one of those inflatable flappy arm guys when you leaned in for a hug at church today.
Theres a dating website for people that believe the government is ran by lizard people so I really have no excuse for being single
I have a friend who’s SUPER into Shakespeare.
She’s bardcore.
Friggin’ narcs ruin everything
Argentina is surprisingly cold. In fact it’s bordering on Chile.
HIM: isn’t wintertime just so romantic
ME (smiles & my lips crack open & blood starts pouring down my chin): oh definitely
pretending to have read books in a conversation: setting yourself up for embarrassment, corny, ontologically evil?
saying “oh yeah never read it but i’ve heard really good things”: yo who is this mysterious woman who hears things? her informational ecosystem seems lowkey robust?
[Super Villain Team Tryouts]
COACH: Tell me what you can do
MAGNETO: I can manipulate metal
LOKI: I’m a god
THE PENGUIN (shoving his way to the front): I LIKE PENGUINS!
Do people who go to stores on Black Friday know that if you anger your entire family, you don’t have to buy holiday gifts?
In New York, people are paying up to $100 for a “cronut,” which is croissant/donut. We call these people “midiots,” which is a moron/idiot.
Me: I’m going to poop
Dog: Great I’m coming with you
You know what they say,
so I won’t tell you.
Draw attention to your older tweets by being arrested on suspicion of multiple murders.
Being a father is the single greatest feeling on earth. Not including those wonderful years I spent without a child, of course.