I should probably do some housework before they try to film the next Febreeze commercial here.
You Might Also Like
Auditioning for a commercial:
Me: Mmm. So delicious. I don’t believe it’s not butter.
Director: Cut, cut! It’s can’t. The word is can’t. Ok? And action.
Me: Mmm. So delicious. I don’t believe it’s not can’t.
I accidentally inhaled some soap when I was washing my face and then I coughed and no bubbles came out. Cartoons are full of shit.
“Hot, lo-cal singles in your area!”
– Diet ads for Cannibals
[I see a cute girl reading a novel]
“Hi there. I couldn’t help but notice-”
*points at book*
“That you support the murder of trees.”
My band is so indie we don’t even record together. You have to buy 4 separate cds and play them at the same time.
Thoughts and prayers to my daughter who wrote a sentence that didn’t fit on one line.
Just beat Eminem 4000 straight times at musical chairs by playing “The Real Slim Shady” over and over.
Whenever someone with a bumper sticker cuts me off I automatically dislike the cause they support. Right now I’m not too fond of Literacy
Me: is it ok if we have sex right now
Girlfriend: yes, also thanks for asking
Me: yeah consent is important, don’t u agree
Mom, also at the dinner table: absolutely, you’re such a gentleman
Did you hear that John Travolta might have the coronavirus? He has chills that were multiplying.
I’ll see myself out.
me: Why aren’t you wearing pants?
toddler: I can see better without them
I̶t̶’̶s̶ ̶t̶o̶o̶ ̶e̶a̶r̶l̶y̶ ̶t̶o̶ start drinking
I find the fact Barney and friends got overlooked for every single Jurassic Park movie… bizarre
My husband just told me to relax, like he doesn’t remember we’re camping in the desert and I brought a shovel.
Gave my seat to a blind man on the bus.
Lost my job as a bus driver.
“gravy is not a beverage.” ok well that’s why I was trying to drink it in the bathroom, so you wouldn’t see me
origin story of all Disney villains:
“omg if I hear ONE more person singing today-“
Your bio says you’re 29, your selfies suggest you slept with Hemingway.
When someone cries, “No one gets me”
I immediately snatch them and put them in my trunk and yell, “I got you”!
Normalize hissing at people who stand too close to you in the checkout line.
Just bought Colgate mouthwash ’cause it builds stronger gums and someday my gums might have to lift a car off a baby.
First rule of flight club…no penguins.
The guy who discovered boomerangs must have been terrified
I honestly see both sides of the flat earth debate.
just found out the danish word for jellyfish is literally water man and am cracking up at the idea that while other languages were naming them after medusa or whatever some danish dude was like “nah that’s a water guy”
I’ve always been a late bloomer. Everyone is going on about Barbie and Oppenheimer and I’m still here posting my wordle
I can’t get out of bed. These blankets have accepted me as one of their own and If I leave now I might lose their trust.
This took me a few seconds.. 😅
canceling plans is ok. staying home to cook is ok. disappearing for a bit to get your life together is ok. resurfacing in a foreign country with a new name 10 years later is ok. it’s called self care
I wouldn’t complain if I died, mostly because I’d be dead.