My plans for world domination will have to be put on hold while I try to open this package of batteries.
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I’ve been reading your Oscar tweets, and America should not vote on things as a general rule going forward.
Interviewer: Why did you apply for this job?
Me: Because being broke and homeless didn’t really call out to me.
I turn to my freezer as I fill up an ice cube tray with water. “Hey, can you do me a solid?”
Walking up to any crime scene & whispering within the crowd, “It’s started again, hasn’t it?” then leaving
Hire a hitman is apparently not the correct answer to “what would you do if you won the lottery”
I thanked my husband for favoriting one of my tweets and he said: ‘Ya that was an accident.’
Why is Halloween considered the scariest time of the year? Most weddings happen in June.
Calm down white moms on dish detergent commercials, no wife is EVER that excited about dishes. Ever.
I’m not afraid I’ll yell out the wrong name during sex, I’m afraid I’ll yell out the name of the candy bar I’m thinking about.
[fancy restaurant]
ME: *combs my beard with a fork*
HER: what the hell man
ME: oh shit did I use the wrong one?
GUY: Do you want to play fantasy football?
ME: Okay, I’m a quarterback with wings
Wife: WHY ARE YOU STANDING IN THE KITCHEN NAKED.
Me: Who cares? I’m on a conference call. No one can see.
Boss: Rod can you mute your phone please.
Golf is probably fun if you like walking around outside in business casual.
Tweezers? Razor? Oh, hell no! By the time this is over, I’m going to need new shears and a lawn mower.
*poetry 101 first day*
prof: okay so today just pick a subj-
me: (incredibly loud) i call oranges
My therapist said to choose a “calming” word to keep repeating to myself when I’m angry. I chose “Stabbing”.
We’ll see if it helps.
A man caught me applying chap stick, so I just started eating it so it wouldn’t be weird.
Newton taught us that a body at rest will remain at rest, a body in motion will remain in motion, and that figs taste good in cookies.
I want my headstone to have lots of typos so I can continue annoying people.
ATTN: @MikeBloomberg. Your campaign is clearly struggling. Hire me to write jokes for you. Here’s a sample: “Bernie Sanders is so old that the first time he ran for president the election got hacked by PRUSSIA!”
Who called it “playing footsie” and not “becoming sole mates”?
Not to be racist but all of my kids sound the same on the phone.
#RubbishJokes
My girlfriend told my that she wanted peace and quiet whilst cooking.So I took the batteries out of the smoke alarm.
Everyday I walk to work by a Ferrari dealership, put my nose against the etched glass window and say, “someday I’ll own a window this nice.”
Me: Yes, I’d like to schedule an appointment with the doctor
Receptionist: Of course. Do you have insurance?
Me: Yes, I do.
Receptionist: And this doctor is in your network?
Me: I’m not sure.
Receptionist: Ok, this will either be free or 11 million dollars. See you tomorrow!
Arrange marriage are scary. What if my husband doesn’t like my boyfriend? 🙄
*returns tent to Target*
CASHIER: What was the problem?
ME: The packing implied that there would be a family that loves me inside the tent
if you’re feeling stressed out, just relax, take a deep breath, and exhale fire over all of your enemies. this is more for dragons btw
interviewer: can you type fast?
me: yes, that and SEVERAL other words
I showed my kids Pitch Perfect but now my 7yo is adamantly insisting we form a family acapella group and HOW DO I UNDO THIS????