@Muath_tu: My plans must be so fat they never work out.
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@ieatanddrink: If I believed changing my profile picture could change the world I'd change it to a picture of vending machines that dispense tiger cubs
@TheBoydP: Marriage tip: If your wife says “I didn’t do it” what she means is “You did it”. Accept it and don’t worry that you don't remember doing it.
@dlockw21: 11: Dad, what's your spirit animal? Mine's a tiger. Me: Remember that chubby mouse named Gus in the baby-tee from Cinderella? 11: ...
@joeldanger: My grandparents worked hard to make sure their kids had everything and I'm working hard and not having kids to make sure I keep everything.