Nothing’s labeled clearly, I was promised tea & never got any, the criminal justice system is barbaric.
~ Alice’s Yelp review of Wonderland
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someone tried to scam my grandpa by pretending to be me saying “hey grandpa, it’s your grandson, i’m stranded in europe and i need you to wire me $5,000” and my grandpa was just like “…robert would never be in europe”
Me: I need you to leave the house for the next 3-4 days
Hubs: What?! Why?
Me: It may or may not have to do with the amount of Amazon boxes that we will be receiving very soon
The adult life I imagined as a child involved less laundry and more group dance numbers.
There’s nothing sexier than being with someone who knows exactly what they want, unless what they want is to smother you in your sleep.
It’s 3am and my neighbor across the street is sorting two garbage bins full of cabbages on his front lawn. Whatever gets you through the night, man.
*holds in gut when stepping on a scale*
normalize wrapping all foods in cloth to allow for noiseless midnight snacking
Favourite diary entry ever
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: is it because I won’t stop quoting Spice Girls lyrics?
Wife:
Me: please, just tell me what you want what you really really want
[hiding my girlfriends Christmas present behind my back] remember how you said we were out of milk
It’s Election Eve, Not Election and Steve!
This intermittent fasting thing would be so much easier if I could just move the clocks ahead so willy nilly every day
Zombies..stay away from junk people or you’ll gain a shit-ton of weight.
Infomercial Host: Who wants to fix their chronic acne problem?
Audience: *clapping*
Host: Sir, are you leaving?
Wile E. Coyote: *shuffling out on broken rocket skates* I misread the flyer
Keep your friends close and your fat friends closer, because snacks.
If I text you and you immediately call me, that’s entrapment.
You and I share a very special connection.
*I’m parked outside your house using your Wi-fi.
Him [angrily]: You borrowed my car and it’s a mess. McDonald’s wrappers, fries on the floor…
Me: Let me stop you right there, because first of all, I never TOUCH McDonald’s. It’s Wendy’s.
4: Mommy hear me count to 10,000
Me:
you’re fasting for lent, I’m furiousing for lent; we are not the same
Really wish my phone wouldn’t autocorrect my old timey piano slang. Had to explain to my mom that I didn’t spend all morning “tickling the ovaries”.
Buy one annoying person, get two free!
– In-laws
So I said ‘I love you’ but he didn’t say it back. We haven’t spoken since. Maybe he just needs space.
Vet: Your cat’s fine. You can go now.
Tonight’s rookie mistake: Not budgeting enough time into my 5yo’s bedtime routine to argue with him about how to spell the letter K.
VAMPIRE: Aaaarrgghh…DAYLIGHT!
ME (A REDHEAD): *turning to dust* Way ahead of you buddy.
stephen king’s mind:
what if dog…bad?
what if car…bad?
what if clown…bad?
what if hotel…bad?
[god creating elephant]
“overfeed that aardvark”
I wonder how long the first person to deliver twins waited before they realized that was the last one
Parenting talk translated.
“Come on you’re very tired, you need to get to bed.”
Actually means:
“Come on, I’m very tired, you need to get to bed.”
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.