@notfaizzy: my Playstation got stolen... i have no one to console me.
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@Reverend_Scott: Wife: "If I died, would you remarry?" Me: "Yup." Wife: "And you'd even let her use my golf clubs??" Me: "No silly! She's left handed."
@david8hughes: [me narrating a documentary about the pyramids] I really want a Toblerone for some reason.
@Steelers1972: I swallowed my NyQuil with a 5 Hour energy and a latte and now my pet unicorn Steve and I are off to bake cheesecakes.
@Pro_Jones_: (Date) Me: Sorry I have terrible anxiety and get picnic attacks. Her: You mean panic attacks? Me: *pulling basket out* Oh god make it stop