@notfaizzy: my Playstation got stolen... i have no one to console me.
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@XplodingUnicorn: 5-year-old: How many pull-ups can you do? Me: 22. Wife: How many with witnesses? Me: Almost 1.
@JasonLastname: I hate when you forget to wear a belt and have to shoot heroin using the blood pressure machine at walgreens.
@Jenny4ashley: "..so that's the story of Christmas. Questions?" Where do turtledoves come from? "Well, when a turtle and a dove really love each other.."