my Playstation got stolen… i have no one to console me.
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trainer: how long can you plank?
me: I pretty much planked after high school tbh
ME: *catches the bouquet* Yes! I’m next, losers! Haha!
SOME RELATIVE: This is a strange funeral reception.
[to son before going in house] remember its opposite day
wife: how was go karting?
son: dad didnt take off his helmet and throw it at anyone
If your online dating profile says “I don’t have sex on the first date” then that’s why you’re on a dating website.
Does my family really expect me to express my love for them on Valentine’s Day when we’ve been trapped together for months??
[baby born with silver spoon in mouth]
Doctor: What the hell?
Wife: “Are you ok? You look exhausted.”
Me: “I saw one of those silica gel packs that says ‘Do Not Eat’ 4 days ago & I’m starving to death”
My friend’s getting rich by selling photos of koi in clothes. He says it’s as easy as shooting fish in apparel.
[Donald Duck opens gift]
Daisy: It’s pants. Try them on!
Donald: [stands] STOP TRYING TO CHANGE ME WOMAN
My spirit animal is this kid at my son’s football practice that just stands and cries every time he’s told he has to run
When a woman suddenly shuts up, a man can hear the theme from Psycho discreetly playing in the background.
why this chick look like a soccer player posing for senior pictures
Never knew kids were magicians until they started magically appearing at the sound of wrappers opening
19 showed us what he has learned at college when he asked “can we drink screwdrivers while we are opening presents?”
*making screwdrivers*
Anyone else ever wondered how long it would take a giraffe to throw up ?
I have decided to stop exercising and just learn Photoshop.
Me: that was easy, what was my time? 3 minutes?
Escape room employee: ma’am we’re gonna need you to replace this door
Macaroni Grill closed four locations here. I suspect the tendency of macaroni to fall through the grill had a lot to do with it.
@truegritrumble @funTweeters The equivalent happened to my mate – he got a bag of carrots for his lunch, his daughter’s horse got his sandwiches
Optional boss fight.
We’ve got two options: clean and vacuum, or stop wearing our glasses around the house.
probably should have split this into two separate stories guys
Got fired from my job at the candy heart factory. Apparently “You’ll Do” isn’t romantic.
My new husband and me are already winning thru compromise. I accept he’ll never pick up all his socks and he allows the occasional hit and run homicide. Patience & 💛.
I have a very large selection of hand sanitizers
Me, flirting
My friend asked if I pee a little when I sneeze like I’m some sort of multitasker.
I hate the word Fiancée. Why do i have to speak french just because youre getting married
Please do not look at me when I am sitting at the front of the top level of a double decker bus. I am pretending to drive the bus and it is a very important job.
He challenged me to eat just one chip.
So I had two. Dozen.
Today a man told me I’m “too pretty to work so hard” so I’ve let my boss know & fingers crossed we can all get on the same page here.