“My pleasure, doll”
“My pleasure doll”Commas can make a world of difference…
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I truly wonder what it sounded like when Medusa washed her hair at night.
It’s complicated.
-My response when someone asks if they can have one of my beers.
Walking around naked is a great motivator to get back to the gym
Roses are red,
violets are blue,
this poem is overused,
just like your mum.
“Hell yeah Trump got impeached looks like he’s finally out of office!”
*Deletes tweet*
*2 minutes later*
“Wow none of you know what impeachment means the senate still has to vote before he’s removed from office go take a college course”
A service where I can hire a child actor to come to my home and pretend to love the cartoons I watched back in the day so my kids will think they’re cool and I don’t have to watch any of this new bullshit.
Every time you think Florida can’t top itself. BAM!
I ate all of my Halloween candy. I sure hope these kids like Milkbones.
Netflix asked if I was still watching Barbie Dreamhouse Adventures and I clicked continue watching and then realised none of the kids had been in the room for at least half an hour
I’m not alone. I have ants.
Wife: our house is a mess, we should throw some stuff out. I’ll start with the bedr-
Me: DON’T YOU DARE TOUCH MY BED RUM!
establish dominance over your significant other by addressing birthday and valentine’s day cards as ‘to whom it may concern’
Of course I can cook.
What kind of cereal would you like?
[scans box of condoms at self checkout]
UNEXPECTED ITEM IN BAGGING AREA
[scans again]
UNEXPECTED ITEM
wtf [scans again]
I MEAN, LOOK AT YOU
Cop: you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You thought I was black?
Cop: Haha. Yep. You’re free to go sir
Me: we can’t climb on this
My Kid: the older kids are climbing too
Me: yeah but there are signs all over it saying not to
My Kid: ohhhh these guys are probably too dumb to read
Older Kids: *sheepishly climbing down*
Wife: Can I have one of your french fries?
Me: No, I don’t have that many.
My dog: Can I have one?
Me: OMG yes. Here, take them all.
The nice thing about putting a bowl of ice in front of a fan while you sleep is that you wake up to a finger bath to clean yourself up after all the rotisserie chicken you sleep eat.
*Jesus sits down at the bar*
“The boss says we have to start charging you for water”
if you’re a 28 year old who has snorted ketamine in an art gallery bathroom, it seems that you are not, in fact, “baby.” a baby wouldn’t do that
Why do authors subtitle their books, “A Novel”. Did someone look at their book one day and say “I thought this was a sandwich?”
People will come in and out of your life. Make sure they’ve gotten the flu vaccine.
-inspirational tweet
I love balloons! I keep tying them to my arm, but I think I’m getting carried away.
Cop: My informant told me where the killer is
Chief: Nice. Did he give you a name?
Cop: No chief *frowns* my parents did that
don’t worry about why I watched your story within 5 seconds of it being up, worry about why you’re checking your views within 5 seconds of posting.
Nut allergies are proof that trees are taking their revenge after generations of us stealing their young.
[elevator]
“Wanna buy a spoon?”
Huh, no, why?
[elevator slowly fills with pudding]
[opens briefcase filled with spoons]
[sheepishly] Yes.
*puts my mental health in rice
I’m not drunk, I was driving erratically because I had to rescue the cheese that was melting off my Egg McMuffin
You know how I know society sets us up to fail?
Roombas only work if your house is already clean.