if i stick just one toe outside my front door somehow it will cost me $40
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Me: *takes off headphones and puts air guitar down* what?
Flight attendant: I need you to sit
I’m not Madagascar, I’m just disappointedgascar
Cleaned out my kid’s backpack and found everything I’ve been missing since 1990
Dating is just wondering why some people are single and figuring it out.
My snack didn’t taste very good.
Now I’m gonna hafta cleanse the palate w a large buffalo chicken pizza for lunch
I know. Life’s tough.
If they handed out awards for peeling a hard boiled egg with grace, I would get absolutely nothing.
I love having a bowl for my keys by the door, it’s really helpful to have one less place to look for them
A person running around with a laptop chasing an unsecured WiFi signal looks eerily like a cat chasing a laser pointer.
If you added too much cornstarch I feel bad for you hon
I got 99 problems, but a bisque ain’t one
Received a resume today that listed gap explanations which included such hits as “skydiving accident”, “temporary blindness” and finally my personal favorite “cartwheel incident”
You want me to work for exposure? the thing that killed Marie Curie?
I have no idea how people meet at the gym. I turn into a disgusting, angry swamp witch anytime I exercise.
<at a baptism>
*leans over*
Me:What’s the WiFi password?
Him:Jesus Christ, dude!
Me:That makes sense….is it case sensitive?
I’ve been yelling for years.
Now I’m convinced.
I’m definitely the only one here playing Marco Polo.
When your cat crashes his bicycle in his dream.. 😂
I just overheard a woman tell her son “We don’t lick other people, it’s gross” and now I’m reevaluating so many choices I’ve made.
well. like. what the hell does that leave me with then i mean cmon
In the theater
Me: Haven’t you ever seen someone stuff their bra before?
Him: Not with tater tots
*pause*
Gimme some.
What did the blanket say as it fell off the bed?
Oh sheet.
Little kids are like sponges: always damp, little bits of food stuck all over them, faint smell of mildew…
Barista: name?
Benedict Cumberbatch: Benedict Cumberbatch
Barista [writes “Benedict Cumberbatch”]
Benedict Cumberbatch: holy shit
While editing, I was trying to write: “maybe this should be in bold, for emphasis”, and instead wrote “in blood”. Still works!
[feeding the cat]
Me: Here’s your food, Buddy.
Cat: Buddy is the dog’s name.
Me: Gosh, you’re right. Sorry.
Cat: I’m really hurt.
Me:
Cat: JK, I never listen to a fricken thing you say anyway.
My cat looks at me like “I would have been a god in ancient Egypt, I’ll have you know”.
It was my nieces birthday recently so I asked my sister what present I should get her. She said “you can’t really go wrong with Frozen stuff”.
So I got her a bag of peas.
I hate when people say “next time you’re in my neck of the woods”
omg this isn’t the prairie Laura, you live across from a Starbucks
my kid climbed into the tub fully naked and still I found leaves in there after
PSA: Calories don’t count today because February 29 doesn’t really exist.
Turns out I wasn’t in narnia, I was in my dishwasher high on bath salts
Skeletons are a weird costume cuz you already got one of those in your body you’re pretty much a bone oreo with skin frosting dude