How to find Kentucky on a map
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A Quiet Place was the WRONG movie to sneak kettle chips into.
The average person swallows 8 spiders a year, but the top 1% consume 40% of our nation’s spiders. Save some for the rest of us, spider hogs
Aragorn: If I can protect you, I will. You have my sword
Legolas: And you have my bow
Gimli: and my axe
Steve: and my 439 Twitter followers
Beethoven: hey everybody, this next song’s called “Für Elise”
Elise: omg, we broke up 6 months ago, get over urslf
B: SHUT UP ELISE I LUV U
That de-escalated quickly
In college I had 3 girlfriends at the same time. 10 years and a wife later, I have 0 girlfriends. Stay in school kids.
you: let’s get this bread
j.d. salinger, an intellectual: let’s catch this rye
Order a pizza then act confused when it arrives. “A delivery for Aaron? Aarons DEAD. He DIED ordering a pizza in this house 10 years ago”
him: who is your fantasy?
me: huh?
him: who would you like to be stuck in an elevator with?
me: the elevator repair man.
Ten million people accused me of exaggerating today.
This is my emotional support yacht 🎀
My parents are happily celebrating their 50th anniversary. “That will be you and me one day,” I quietly whisper to the gym membership I can’t cancel.
My sister thinks I should come see her new baby, but where was she when I got my new goldfish? Nice try sis.
“Update the force, Luke”
Adobe Wan Kenobi
Think about it – every single corpse on Mt. Everest was once a highly motivated person.
Stay lazy my friends.
My body’s check engine light has been on longer than Law and Order
I was in the first Top Gun movie.
I was the Marine actually working out in the background while the Navy took time off to play little volleyball games.
has anyone told parents they can show affection without posting the ugliest picture of you in existence
Ferrari squats
Boss: Since it’s a long weekend, you can leave early today.
Me: [left 3 hours ago]
It’s not the holidays until I see two minivans with red noses lock antlers over a parking space at Target.
Cop scrolling through photos on my phone: we’ve had complaints that you’re stalking…wait…these are all of me!
I don’t trust a restaurant that advertises “Now with more bacon!” because it means they were holding out on me to begin with.
Rumor has it, that if you look up from your phone you can see all kinds of pretty colors in the trees this time of year.
My girlfriend said she bought the lingerie for me, but then got upset when I put it on… I dont get women.
I just did my own taxes for the first time and I’m glad I did because I’m getting 8 million dollars back this year!
if I had a girlfriend I’d cook a giant scallion pancake in the shape of a poncho just to keep her warm
Is Ham short for Hamuel or Hamantha?
alcohol soaked fruit is still considered fruit though right
There is so much going on in this video … I don’t know who to focus on 😂😂😂 hilarious